Game of Thrones Characters by Me

So the thing is, I don’t watch Game of Thrones. Yes I am that teeny tiny percentage of the entire global population who not only didn't watch Love Island BUT has never watched a full episode of GOT because it stresses me the hell out!

It’s like a smorgasbord of complete mad shit you can never ever watch with your parents in the same room. The violence makes me so uneasy that I can’t see past the horror to appreciate any of the story. I tried to watch an episode a few years ago and I had to leave the room because it was all kinds of NOPE! Not even when my friend try to coax me back with shouts of “…but Shem, there’s loadsa boobs!” did I want to put myself through the trauma again. So, I decided with no factual reference except memes, hearsay and cryptic Facebook status’ littered over my timeline, to accurately surmise the main characters of a show that I know zero about. Because ya know it’s the internet… and I have opinions and CAPS LOCKS TOO DAMN IT! Jolly good.

Jon Snow

He knows nothing.

Was killed but came back to life.

OMG he’s a zombie then right?!

Or Jesus?

He potentially might save them all if he bends the knee or some shit.

 

Daenerys

She has pet dragons because she’s an independent woman and can do what the hell she wants!

She’s some bad ass queen of some place.

Probably gets her breasts out a lot for no logical reason except… tits.

Ridiculously attractive so I want her to ‘win’ this game of thrones.

 

Tyrion

Looks like he would be fun at parties.

He will make you feel smaller than him with his sassy one liners, which is impressive as he’s very small.

 

Cersei

She’s mentally unhinged and loves the drama.

Likes to have hugely inappropriate sexual relations with her brother.

She seems like she would set you and everything you stand for on fire just because she can/might be irrationally hungry.

Daenerys probably thinks she’s a dick.

 

Joffrey

He has a face that everyone wants to punch.

He looks like your bratty cousin who nobody likes because he’s a twat and cries for attention.

He was king until someone killed him for being a douche.

I would 100% watch GOT just to repeatedly see his stupid face die.

 

Sansa

She had to put up with Joffrey’s shit.

She’s probably been through some shit.

And now she’s become all bitter and shit.

 

Arya

She’s a cute tiny ninja who is on a mission to kill everyone who pissed her off.

She probably would kill me for calling her cute.

I would wanna be her friend just so she wouldn’t kill me.

 

Hodor

He was massive and held a door?

 

Jamie

He bangs his sister Cersei because incest is best.

Everyone hated him to begin with but now they love him.

Maybe it’s his new haircut.

 

Bran

He’s paralysed and can see weird shit.

He’s basically Professor X from the X-Men.

 

Littlefinger

He fancies young girls but that’s fine as GOT encourages madness like paedophilia.

He looks like a sneaky bastard but I still like him because he was in Queer as Folk in the 90s and that show was awesome!

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