So my nephew is all kinds of awesome. When he’s not being adorable and screaming “BOOBIES!” whilst trying to lift my top up in public, he’s generally throwing shade at anyone and everyone… because his sassy levels are outta control and I love him even more for that!
I recently-ish went away on a big family holiday to Portugal with my parents, my older bro, his wife and my nephew. It was the first time we had been away or spent that amount of time with each other since around the summer of 1994. I was scared. However, I made it through the 2 weeks (and that experience needs a whole blog post to itself!)
As I don’t live near my nephew I only get to see him in bursts of hazy madness when I visit home. This basically consists of me running around helping him destroy the place and then I leave. Being away with him opened my eyes to his day to day life and on one level I loved spending so much time with him… but on another level I found myself cradling my empty womb with a grateful smug smile!
Bucket lists or ‘Fuck it, why not’ lists are always fun! Some of my ‘to do’ experiences before I die saving a kitten from a burning building (this is how I see my death!) are composed of realistic goals like travelling around South America, playing the steel pan in procession at Notting Hill Carnival and marrying/kidnapping Kate Mckinnon and making her my wife… With this in mind and after spending a couple of weeks with my nephew, I’ve created a bucket list of what every 2-year-old should achieve before their 3rd birthday.
Reach the infinite number of times (roughly 1 trillion billion) you can say “But whyyyyy?” to everything regardless if it makes sense or not. Example: Nephew – What’s that? Me – A washing line sweetheart. Nephew – But whyyyy? Me – WTF you mean why?!!
Have a meltdown and roll around on the floor traumatised because you didn’t get to press the button for the lift.
Fake a hysterical crying fit because you’re not getting enough attention. Don’t give up the charade until you get exactly what you want!
Refuse to cooperate in public because you want to eat ice cream for dinner instead of the expensive meal your parents have just ordered and paid for. Bonus point if you can wangle a chicken nugget to appease your rage before the parentals get you your friggin ice cream.
Run everywhere… really fast… Even when the grown-ups warn you to be careful. Continue to ignore these obvious fools until you trip over your own feet and your screams are heard across the land.
Demand to sing out loud… even if it’s at the table of a super nice restaurant. People NEED to hear you damn it!
Play hide and seek on a busy beach… but don’t tell anyone that you’re actually playing. Bonus point if you jump out screaming “Here I am!!” JUST as your auntie is about to call the police. The fun is in the panicked drama and the amount of tears the grownups cry.
Ask for a drink but then refuse to drink it insisting someone else’s looks better than yours.
Talk really loudly about how you have a sore bum. Preferably aim for a densely populated area. Strangers love to hear all about your problems with your arse hole.
Tell your amazing auntie that you love her lots directly after you’ve acted like a complete gobshite. But don’t overdo it because nobody likes a desperate relative begging for affection.