Stop With The Spoilers!

I miss the good old days when people watched their favourite TV show or film, enjoyed it immensely… and moved the hell on with their lives. Back in a utopian society when you would watch your drama in real time along with the rest of the nation. Now I appreciate how INSANE I sound with such outlandish whimsical statements, but the internet has ruined the pleasure I once took in consuming highbrow television like Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Dawson’s Creek, at a pace where I didn't want to punch my friends for revealing shit I had yet to view. Gone are the days of organically discovering whether Joey picked Dawson or Pacey and if Buffy got her shit together and stopped playing poor Spike for a fool! Now, unfortunately if you enjoy a television show or are gagging to watch a new film you've been patiently/obsessively waiting 3 years to be released, you have to put up with irritating gobshites who find amusement in telling you what happens as quick as you can say, “Snape kills Dumbledore!”

I’m the type of person who always takes a while to get into anything current. This isn’t because I’m too cool for popular culture but simply because I struggle to organise my life. I’m also terribly lazy. I much prefer watching re-runs of Murder She Wrote from 1987 and low budget, shit but amazing 80s movies. Yes, I am the type of gal who watched Sex and the City 10 years too late, I still haven’t watched Breaking Bad and I don’t watch Game of Thrones...

However, the only TV show that I adore and is current right now is Orange Is the New Black on Netflix… for reasons such as it’s hilarious and ya know… lesbians! The thing is… because of social media I discovered one humungous spoiler the afternoon it was released. Some giant prick binge watched all 13, 55 minutes long episodes in less than one day and THEN posted the stomach punching spoiler online PURELY to ruin it for everyone else. Bravo you knob.

It’s like some folk get a weird kick out of being an asshole. An asshole with way too much time on their hands. Yes, some astute individuals have pointed out that I should just avoid the internet if I don’t want to see any spoilers… but avoiding the internet is like trying to avoid bumping into your ex in a supermarket that you don’t even shop at anyways! It's impossible.

There should be some kind of punishment for those who like to flex their prowess for being spoiler junkies… like enduring one whole year of dial-up internet from a free AOL disc your mum received in the post… OR have their digital TV revoked and swapped with 4 terrestrial channels on a television set the size and weight of a wild Mountain Lion, with no remote control AND a coat hanger for an aerial.

I only hope there comes a day that we as humans can revert back to being respectful of everyone’s speed and frequency to watch... stuff. And I can live my life blissfully unaware of who shot JR/Phil Mitchell/Tupac until I'm bloody well good and ready to find out for myself! Yeah.


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