The Thing About Us Women

I am queen of generalised sweeping statements. I can often be found saying out loud shit like “EVERYONE is a dickhead right now!” To which my friends will usually tell me to stop screaming and get a grip of myself. Or I'll interchange the ‘everyone’ part of my outburst with “lesbians/children/old people.” If it’s borderline offensive, overly dramatic and completely irrational, then that’s where I shine! Last week a couple of things happened that irked me. Kim Kardashian got naked for the 57th time and we were apparently supposed to have some sort of reaction to this tedious display of nudity… and then my various social media newsfeeds blew up with inspirational quotes for International Women’s Day. Now I’m not a militant feminist but I’m all for supporting women as I think we’re fucking awesome, beautiful and don’t nearly get enough love for all the magical things we do AND have to put up with. BUT what did piss me off was the fact that for one day only all my female friends and soul sisters *fist in the air* became this impressive, solidarity force of self love and appreciation when you know… and I know… that on daily basis us women find some twisted delight in ripping each other to bits!

So cue my latest sweeping statement of… “All women are dickheads!”

I’m no psychologist. I have a degree in Communication Studies which is another way of saying, “I spent 3 years at university experimenting with homosexuality and £1 Bacardi Breezers... because I wasn’t quite ready to be an adult.” (soooo this opinion post will generally be brought to you by the word 'fuck' and emotions born from the fact that I have a cold and I'm kinda hungry right now.) HOWEVER, despite my lack of credentials... I do know that the prerequisite for some women to mock, ridicule and judge other women stems from some misplaced fear and insecurity mixed with a thirst to make themselves feel better. Because sure… it’s easier to point the finger and smash someone else to pieces rather than look at how messy our own lives can be. Women love to compete against each other in order to validate their life and it's exhausting.

I’ve been on the end of some horrible and unimaginative name calling and sideway glances of disapproval from ladies in my time. Granted I may encourage the criticism/bitchy behaviour because my glitter shoes are distracting, my hair is too voluminous and my cardigan says ‘homeless and destitute’… but if you prick me do I not BLEED?!! Yet don’t lend me your sympathy fine friends, as I have equally looked at another female and said to myself “what the hell is she wearing!” and “Well I maybe hideous but at least I don’t have an ugly baby!”

Why are we such dickheads? Why can’t us ladies treat each other with the same love and respect that we do when we’re horrendously drunk in the toilets at a bar?! “Ah babe your hair looks gorgeous… where did you get your top from it’s amaaaaazing… don’t worry I’ll guard the broken door for you and essentially watch you get your vagina out despite the fact that we’ve just met!” These are the type of instant friendships and support units one can find in the queue of a woman’s toilet. They run deep. So deep in fact that you consider swapping numbers until you realise that it’s a bit weird and the African lady with the lollipops and perfume is getting pissed off at you for loitering.

International Women’s Day needs to be a mindful everyday appreciation. We need to stop being little girls on the playground and be grown ass women. The memes and inspirational quotes probably need to stop too... "behind every woman is a tribe of other successful women" bollocks. (Behind me right now is nobody because I live alone so that would be creepy.) Behind every awesome woman is just herself and that's ok too. And lurking in the wings is probably some prick silently judging so they can feel better about their shitty life. Don't be that prick. Rejoicing when one of your fellow females has a meltdown or appears to be failing miserably at life is not cool. Picking holes in someone’s outfit choice, lack of tan and a face that isn’t contoured to fuck is not cool. We need to be each others cheerleaders if we expect the same recognition and support from this funny little patriarchal society in which we live.

Ps… Kim Kardashian has a great body regardless if she’s indulged in surgery and her tits are stapled together with the laughter of small children and it took the blood of a thousand virgins to get that rotund butt. She can do what she likes. Her body… her rules. The problem I have is thus… I’m just so incredibly bored of whatever it is she’s doing with her life that I can’t even be arsed to participate in ‘body shaming’ her! That is all.

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