Firstly please let me apologise for my tardiness. I haven’t written a blog post in ages because I’ve been up my own hole with ‘stuff.’ Mainly writing a new novel, which definitely sounds more impressive than what my first draft may suggest! A lot of it reads like I’m 5 and learning to spell my name... or smashing back a load of class A drugs at lightening speed. So hopefully with the help of a thesaurus and my lovely editor… it may resemble something worth reading in a few months time. (Pretty sure I’ll be begging for your attention soon enough… so watch this space!)
So it’s 2016. A new year and all that jazz! And with that comes wild sweeping statements about going to the gym, new adventures, and learning to play a saxophone. Or some of you might be thinking of a career change… because you read a motivational meme yesterday and decided that you hate your life and everything it stands for.
I’ve been to many interviews over the years and they all pretty much sucked. My outfit was shit, my shoes hurt, nobody could pronounce my name and there was only so far my blagging skills got me. One dude many years ago actually slammed his hand on the table and told me to effectively stop lying and be honest! Of course I panicked at his inappropriate aggression, wiped an escaped tear away from my cheek and didn’t get the job… but since then I decided that I needed to stop rehashing shite buzzwords and simply tell it how it is.
So if you’re thinking of making 2016 your bitch with regards to getting a new job you actually care about… here are 4 things you should definitely leave off your CV and out of an interview!
“I’m proficient in Microsoft Excel”
Are you though?? Really…?! Unless you completely understand Excel to a level beyond making a pie chart or colouring in the boxes to make the spreadsheet look pretty, then quit your jibber jabber! It’s not big… and it’s not clever… especially when your future employer tests you and you realise you’re fucked.
“I work well in a group and on my own.”
Again… isn’t this just a massive lie which contradicts itself?! Maybe demonstrate how you did both with an example of a project you aced… but don’t use this line out loud unless you’re prepared for some major eye rolling and the interviewer writing ‘dick’ across your CV.
“My only flaw is perhaps being a bit of a perfectionist!”
This still haunts me, as it was the clichéd line I used when the aggressive interviewer got pissed off and basically wanted to glass me in the face! We all know what you’re trying to do here with throwing a positive spin on something negative… but it’s crap. Just be honest… but maybe not too honest because ya know… you do actually want the job!
The word ‘synergy.’
Stop it. Right now. This word has been used and abused far too much in the workplace and it needs to be brought down. Just like the overused phrase “we’ll touch base next week!” Pretty sure nobody really understands what synergy really means… BUT if you say it loud enough while leaning back in your chair and waving a soy skinny vanilla latte in your fucking hand… it might make you look smart.