13 Things I Have Learnt Living In Ireland. So Far.

So since my best mate tricked me into moving to Dublin… and after I said I would give it a year ‘just to see’… I am in my third year with no real plans to up and leave anytime soon. Yes Dublin has wooed me! The sweet Emerald Isle has got me drunk, French kissed me, fumbled embarrassingly at my bra and then bought me a bag of chips! In the three years of chilling out maxing, relaxing all cool… I have discovered many a wondrous thing and I can now be found most days using the word ‘grand’ as many times as I use the word ‘fuck’ as a comma! People actually enjoy talking to strangers here... or just strange black chicks with fluffy hair. The accent makes me giddy... as does the women... who enjoy wearing copious amounts of fake tan! Here are 13 things that have either perplexed or amused me but I have learnt to embrace. I heart you Ireland!

1. The Irish call football… soccer! And when you correct them of their obvious tomfoolery in your finest English accent… they may just tell you to shut the fuck up! Do not press the issue as this can easily escalate into irrational debates on England versus Ireland, until you're being held solely responsible for the potato famine in 1845.

2. When Irish folk swear, it sounds awesome! There is just something about “You fecking gobshite/geebag!” that sounds like poetry to me.

3. Don’t attempt an Irish accent or try to pronounce Gaelic words… even if you’re drunk and think it’s hilarious. You will sound like a twat and offend an entire nation.

4. Most people as a kid were sent to this magical Irish summer camp called The Gaeltacht where they were forced to speak Irish. You either loved it or tried to get kicked out of it! From what I understand… it was a hotbed for teenage angst, hook ups and singing English songs… in Irish.

5. A chicken fillet roll from Spar is not only delicious but a mandatory dietary requirement.

6. Everyone is a tea junkie. If you don’t offer an Irish person a cup of tea upon entering your home… you will be judged.

7. Irish folk are always “delighted” with something. No matter what the achievement or celebration… everyone is just abso-fucking-lutely DELIGHTED for you!

8. If an Irish lady says she’s not drinking tonight because she’s “on antibiotics”… she’s pregnant. And when she protests that she’s not… her mates will effectively bully her until she downs a shot of vodka with an arsenic chaser!

9. The sports hurling and camogie are basically an excuse to batter the crap out of your opponent with a stick… and if you get the ball in or over the goal then that’s just a bonus.

10. Girls cannot accept compliments… at all. Me: “Oooh I really like your…” Irish bird aggressively interrupts: “SHUT UP! I GOT IT IN PENNEYS!!!” (Penneys is Primark)

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11. The phrases “Ah here listen” and “Ah sure look it” can and WILL be used as a perfect response to any question, comment or statement. Me: “The weather was simply gorgeous today!” Random Irish person I’ve just met at a bus stop: “Ah sure look it!”

12. The weather is dickhead. You can leave your house in those cute flip-flops and sunglasses that make you look aloof but interesting… and then be shitted on with hailstones by the time you’ve closed your front door.

13. The Catholic Church ruined everything. A massive craic vacuum if you will! Catholicism is basically that one friend you naively brought along to a party who gets really drunk and then proceeds to judge everyone's life... because ya know... Jesus and stuff. And just when everyone in the room has been suitably offended... Catholicism finally pukes everywhere! What a wanker.

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