10 Realistic Film Blurbs

Like many of you lovely people I’m sure, my general everyday conversations I have with my friends and unsuspecting members of public (who don’t get paid nearly enough to laugh at my jokes) revolves heavily around quotes from my favourite movies or TV shows. If not quotes then it’s remarks like “…that’s such an Inbetweeners moment!” or when sat at fancy restaurants surrounded by 7 fork-like pieces of cutlery and 13 spoon apparatus’ that you find it’s a truly auspicious moment to say out loud “oh god I feel like Jack from Titanic/ Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!” if you want to draw the comparison that you too are a classy hooker. However what really drives me crazy is when you throw out a perfectly well timed film quote or scenario that is supposed to make you look like THE fucking God of hilarity, and someone casually turns around and says “Oh I’ve never seen that.”

So I decided to summarise 10 of my favourite films in no particular order… and entirely picked at random. 10 movies that I can guarantee upon completion of this blog post I will get irrationally pissed off at myself and scream “For feck sakes I totally missed out *insert another awesome film here*!!” So judge me all you want coz I ain't sorry!

One – Rocky… all of them!

An Italian dude from a humble upbringing beats the crap out of loads of men in a boxing ring. Spends most of the film screaming out his wife’s name Adrian in a slurred manner and montaging his way through the storyline to inspirational power ballads with a catchy hook. Pretty sure he is autistic or just a massive attention seeker.

Two – E.T

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Little boy befriends a small chubby alien with an unusually large glow in the dark finger. The alien just wants to go home but keeps dicking around with flying BMX bikes, getting drunk, running away from totally made up government officials and performing miracles on pot plants.

Three – The Goonies

A bunch of kids in an unknown fictitious town find a map and decide to go in search of pirate treasure. They get caught up in the high-jinx merriment of a criminal family including murder; counterfeit notes and other such carry on. A morbidly obese kid is technically bullied by his pals and made to do the Truffle Shuffle. He then becomes besties with some deformed human and saves the day. All the other kids grow up to star in big blockbuster movies like Indiana Jones and The Lord of the Rings.

Four – Back to the Future

High school boy who is clearly about 30 years old like the rest of the ‘young’ cast has an unhealthy relationship with a doctor who sports crazy wild hair. The doc builds a time machine out of a car, accidentally sends the kid back to the 1950s and encourages incest to fix the problem. A giant cluster fuck ensues.

Five – The Little Mermaid

A Disney cartoon following the teenage angst of a bratty young mermaid. She longs to be a human after falling in love with a prince who is out of her league. With the help of a drag queen sea witch and her buddies like a singing crab with an offensively ridiculous Jamaican accent, she trades in her voice for legs. Because if you want someone bad enough, you must change yourself to make them love you.

Six – Inception

A bunch of attractive people who are so hot it makes me weep, discover a way to infiltrate people’s dreams to extract information or plant ridiculously impossible to follow reasoning in order to advance the storyline. A dream within a dream… within a dream… and something clever to make everyone question themselves and become super paranoid. Who cares… Ellen Page is hot!

Seven – Notting Hill

A movie about an ‘ordinary’ chap (who happens to have dashing good looks), falling hopelessly in love with a film star. He’s punching. I know it… you know it… he knows it! But alas the entire story serves as a blueprint for unrealistic romantic goals for finding ‘the one’. After lulling him into a false sense of security the film star shits on him from a great height… numerous times… but he still loves her. Because REAL love is heartbreak!

Eight – Three Men and a Baby

Three bachelors with awesome 80s outfits and floppy voluminous hairstyles end up looking after a baby who is abandoned by her mother. Somehow they are caught up in a drug heist whilst trying to be dads to this child. (There is also baby nudity that would definitely not fly now... but apparently the world was a lot more relaxed 28 years ago) Hilarity ensues. The mother eventually shows up no questions asked and with no one prepared to discuss the fact that she’s clearly mentally unstable.

Nine – Cannonball Run

Classic 80s comedy stuffed full of shit loads of famous people who are mostly now dead. The general plot centres on an illegal car race across America. One team includes the enigmatic/ schizophrenic Captain Chaos who shows up occasionally to save the day and beat up the baddies. There are boobs, fast cars and great outtakes when the credits roll at the end.

Ten – Sister Act

An average female singer from Vegas is sent into witness protection to some church in the ghetto masquerading as a nun. She turns the failing church choir into a glee-esque show stamping her attitude and over exaggerated sassy mannerisms all over the shop. Essentially it’s a film about black folk teaching white folk how to sing and dance!

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