4 Little Things I Have Learnt Since My Best Mate Gave Birth

So due to the fact that I live away from my home country where most of my friends and family hang out on a regular basis, I have never really been around when they have brought a new human into the world. It can suck a little especially not seeing my little nephew as often as I would like. But then I get over it very quickly as the kid has a 'shit fit' because I won’t let him play on my laptop… with his jug of juice in one hand and peanut butter on toast he has already smashed into the sofa in the other hand! It’s at times like these I can skip happily away from the situation praising the lord for my unused vacant womb.

However recently one of my best friends who lives about 10 minutes away had a child and so I’ve been in close proximity to the madness that is parenting! When I see her and the bambino I sway between “oh my god he’s awesome… I wanna push the pram today and pretend we’re a lesbian couple!” to “holy hell that’s fucking disgusting!” as he casually puts his foot in his own shit! Like why can’t babies just look after themselves?! It’s exhausting. But I digress… here are 4 points I have unearthed since hanging around a 2-month year old and his mother…

One - Talking about the female body is no longer fun/sexually arousing!

The first thing my friend text me after the birth of her baby boy was not the typical “motherhood is the most magical thing in the world…” alongside 17 different emojis and 43 photos of her child in the exact same position with his face looking like a squashed potato. And for this I am grateful. When I asked her how she felt her response was: “I’ve just watched the doctor sew up my vagina!” TRAUMATISED to say the least. The days and weeks following this were chats of boobs being gigantic which is fabulous for a lady like myself who appreciates the aesthetic beauty of titties! However it’s not so fabulous when I witness my friend’s leaking boobs and shoving cabbage leaves down her bra to soothe the pain of her enlarged chesticles full of milk!

Two – Apparently you can over stimulate a baby!

I figured that all babies like to be thrown around and played with. But not so much when they’ve just eaten, cry and when they decide to puke all over you! I discovered this when I decided to sing and dance to MC Hammer You Can’t Touch This using the baby as prop to my dance routine. His little smiles suddenly turned into a grimace as the bottle I impressively fed him 5 minutes previous was now leaking from his mouth.

Three – Asking a mum if they’re tired is a big mistake… Huge!

Parents are always exhausted. Fact. And comparing your friend's motherhood sleep deprivation to you being a little sleepy from staying up and watching a couple of episodes of MTV's Geordie Shore... helps no one!

Four – I sound like an extra from Eastenders when I baby talk.

So I’m not a big fan of the baby chat some folks like to adopt when trying to converse with a baby. Babies who giggle at their own foot have no time for your high pitched overly animated children presenter voice! I usually like to communicate through camp musicals or sexually explicit songs to the delight of his mother. When I talk to kids my speech sounds like the first verse and chorus of "Oom Pah Pah” from the musical Oliver which makes no sense! I grew up and went to school in a white middle class village and my parents are both from the Caribbean... but babies make me sound like Peggy “Get outta maaaa puuuub!” Mitchell. Who knew.

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