Working From Home

Sometimes when I’m sat at my desk fully aware that I have work to do… and emails that need some sort of acknowledgement… I have to stop the charade and Google what the kid from the 1986 classic Flight of the Navigator is up to now. This can vary from time to time. Sometimes I need to know (right there in that very moment of hating Microsoft Excel with every fibre of my being), whether there really was a ghost on the set of Three Men and a Baby.

Basically I am easily distracted. I also work from home, which means I am constantly surrounded by shiny things telling me not to work. However I have managed to train my brain over the years to not be a complete asshole and get enough work done so I’m not actually fired... But ya know... Netflix won't watch itself! Working from home usually sounds marvellous to those who have a ‘real job’. Now don’t get me wrong… I know how lucky I am and yes it’s super handy I can log on to my computer in my underwear. (Yep- let that semi naked image just marinade with you for a moment as you vomit ever so slightly into your mouth) BUT working from home also throws up other somewhat interesting issues and realisations when it becomes your same shit different day.

1. You measure a successful day by whether you managed to get dressed before or after lunchtime.

2. You can spend an entire day indoors talking to and seeing nobody… except the shit head kids hanging outside my window who look like they may steal my car.

3. You can eat Crunchy Nut cornflakes for breakfast AND lunch without fear of judgment.

4. Your 11am ‘I’m feeling a little peckish and bored snack’ consists of whatever is in your fridge/freezer... which generally is family size meat feast pizza you were saving for dinner.

5.     You get caught up in your own bubble of wanky ‘office chat’ you can't switch off... as you text your mates in fully punctuated, gramatically correct sentences alongside buzz phrases like, “lets touch base later this week.”

6. You realise that you haven’t left the house in a week and wonder whether taking the bin out counts.

7. You know all the cafes with the best WiFi signal. So ya know… you can look like another freelance hipster wanker working/writing your groundbreaking novel on your Mac.

8. You can guarantee that the exact moment you pop out of your apartment (to buy a chicken fillet roll and a can of Red Bull for lunch), will be the exact moment your eagerly anticipated delivery from fucking UPS will rock up.

9. You are the only person out of your friends who owns a printer, scanner and a redundant fax machine.

10. You’re also the only person who has a landline that only your mother seems to call you on... at the exact time... every night... when you're trying to watch Hollyoaks.

11. Your mates assume that working from home means you’re on holiday and can hang out. Of course you protest and make them feel bad for even suggesting you don’t work super hard... And then you go out and play with them. Obvs.

12. You don’t get to have a Christmas party so you can potentially snog Nigel in HR. Plus nobody cares about your cry for help as you drink on your own… at your desk… in the morning.

A Night Out As a 17 Year Old Girl in 2000

Would I survive the zombie apocalypse: Irrational 101