10 Things That Went Down At Primary School

I miss school. I mean little school when I was a sassy mouthed kid, blissfully living my life unaware of how much being a grown up is actual shite. All I had to worry about was which boy I would ‘get off with’ at the bottom of the field so I didn't look frigid... and whether the floral border I drew on my English homework really showed off my true personality! Now I’m stressing about whether I need to freeze my eggs at the laughable prospect of getting knocked up one day... and how I can’t afford to live the lifestyle I pretend to have on Facebook. So with a retrospective sigh, I figured if I’m going down… then I’m taking you fuckers with me! So lets all enjoy feeling like we're 100 years old…

Do you remember…

One - Using your ring binder folder and pencil case to build a dramatic fort around your work... so the dumb ass sitting next to you couldn’t copy your genius tales of what you did on your holidays? 

Two - Getting asked to hand out the textbooks making sure you and your mates had the newer version and those you hated that week had the dog-eared shitty ones?

Three - Spinning around and around... arms outstretched... like a giddy dizzy knob when the PE teacher asked you to “get into a space”?

Four - Being scared shitless by your teacher with the story of that one kid who leant back too far on his chair AND THEN cracked his skull/spine/face and DIED?

Five - Watching Art Attack when you got home and thinking you too could create such wonderful masterpieces with a toilet roll, kitchen foil and a bucket load of PVA glue?

Six - Getting told off and having to stand by the wall in the playground watching all your friends have the ‘lols and bants’ without your rebellious self?

Seven - Miming to hymns and substituting every possible word with blasphemous variations of ‘cock’ and ‘tits’… because fuck the police! 

Eight - Being old enough to sit on the chairs in assembly and lord your ascension to world domination over the younger schmucks sitting cross legged on the floor?

Nine - Having your friends over after school for a nutritious meal of chicken nuggets, potato shaped EVERYTHING and beans?

Ten - Being told by a teacher with ZERO medical knowledge to “put a wet paper towel on it dear,” even if you had lost an arm in a skipping rope related injury... and your shinbone was elegantly protruding from your leg?


5 Things That Always Happen When Black Folk Mingle

E-bailing: Another Way To Piss Off Your Friends!