5 Ways My iPhone Has Made Me A Dickhead

When I had a Nokia 3310 life was so much easier. I could drop it from a great height in the safe knowledge that the only thing that would break was the floor... and being addicted to the game snake did not encourage my anti-social behaviour. That shit was just fun in it’s purest form! However now like everybody else on this planet I have a smartphone that has ironically disabled the use of my smarts. Yes my iPhone has made the dickhead in me explode like the WTF bomb that has exploded all over the Red Power Ranger! He used to be so hot! Even when I was wrestling with my emotions over the Pink Power Ranger ... this guy was still cute! What the hell happened?! And is the bluetooth headset really necessary?! 

But I digress… Here are 5 clear cut ways that prove my point!


I can only fully understand and see what kind of weather we are having by looking at my weather app. Gone are the days where motioning towards an actual window and looking outside is part of my daily life... and heavens to Betsy dare I open my front door! Oh no not me… I have to consult my phone to double check in case my eyes doth deceive me.

Dick level: 4/5


I no longer know how to do maths. Simple arithmetic like counting up all the money I don’t have or calculating how old I was in 1999 when I still had no money but was too young to give a shit, is just effort. Why bother when my phone will tell me what I need to know, instead of straining the left side of my brain whilst I try to add the 3... carry the 7... then divide by 52. Bollocks! Get the calculator app out post haste.

Dick level 3/5


I can’t plan my life. I never used to have a diary. Actually I tell a lie. I would buy a diary because I liked the way it matched the rest of my other useful stationary I bought whilst drunk on the overpriced amazingness of Paperchase. (Pretty sure the fountain pen is gonna make a comeback) But I never used it. Now I am unable to arrange a date without uttering these fine words “let me just check my calendar.” Don’t worry… I’m already judging myself on your behalf.

Dick level 4/5


I’m a directional hazard. The use of a dog-eared paper map and asking real life people for directions is obsolete. If Google maps doesn’t get me there in the estimated time AND I haven’t read at least a 4 star review online… then I ain’t fucking going.

Dick level 2/5


My free time is dominated with a repetitive strain injury from my thumb scrolling through so much shite on my phone. The art of ‘me time’ is now lets play virtual solitaire time, incessantly refreshing my emails for another quality Argos newsletter selling me garden furniture time… and of course checking Facebook to see how many people wanna free Palestine and still hate Russia today time. Switiching off my phone and re-immersing myself with society is for the WEAK! Please continue to distract me with photos of cats who look like Morgan Freeman. Thanks.

Dick level 5/5

Robin Williams You Absolute Legend

I’m Too Old For This Shit