I’m Too Old For This Shit

I have realised over the past few months that my buzz phrase of the moment is “I’m too old for this shit!” It’s either that or “I’m not drunk enough for this shit!” I was at a Macklemore gig the other week and I heard myself say this… not in my head… but out loud along with my other 30-something year old mates as we surveyed the big field we were in and judged everyone. Now I had already consumed 2 paper cups of wine which tasted like a strong vinaigrette salad dressing, enthusiastically jumped to a couple of songs and was racial profiled by some kid… “do you have any yokes?”  (I had to ask what he meant in my poshest English accent… it’s the drug ecstasy for those who are not down with the kids!) BUT I couldn’t help think what the fuck has happened to generation Y?! Ya know… those young ones who tell you their date of birth is 1990-something and you laugh… and you laugh… because surely that makes them a foetus.

While at this gig I pondered the thought that not only was I a much better person than everyone else (obvs!) BUT that if I were to ever have children… they would never leave the house! I would be one of those crazy mothers who stifles their child… forms a really unhealthy bond… and then end up paying for their therapy because they hate me. However at least my children would not be off their faces, wearing outfits fit for a porn star and trying to re-create the ‘Slane Girl’ incident right before my very eyes! Instead my kids would be zero craic as we bring the music festival into the safety of my back garden... substituting stolen alcohol and paracetamol disguised as pills with ice cream and tap water.

Now back in the day my friends and I got up to some naughty escapades. I just thank the baby Jesus that there were no smartphones back then and social media meant talking to strangers/potential sex offenders in a chat room whilst rinsing your parents dial-up. However the scale of naughtiness went as far as being drunk at a house party and getting pissed off that the boy of your dreams was kissing some other drunken girl! AND then pretending to your parents the next day that you had a stomach bug and not a hangover forged in hell. But now it seems that performing a sex act in full view of every unfortunate person who happens to have eyes… is more appropriate these days. (I realise saying ‘these days’ makes me sound like I’m 84… and I’m fine with that!)

Now I’m from a pretty strict black family where if you disrespected your parents or brought shame on the family… you were expected to not only lose your pocket money for a week… but some teeth too! Ok ok I joke… we never had pocket money. Why is it that many teenage girls look like they’ve all been manufactured from a dodgy child pageant factory where their outfits and makeup only accentuate the fact that they still look like babies playing dress up. If I was ever spotted rocking some interesting clothing choices which had my ass cheeks falling out, my family and friends would have staged an intervention… and a Chinese burn/WWF style headlock would be deployed from my older brother. But sure now... young girls go to Magaluf and give over 20 blokes oral sex because that is pretty sound and normal!

Childhood innocence has been smashed to pieces. Yes I’m older and heaps more cynical but in comparison to the fundamental basics of growing up in the 80s/90s to 2014… I think kids are worse off. I understand that modernity and technology has shaped the current generation of teens and I know back in the day things were far from the perfection of a Truman Show style ‘reality’… but I really believe that we never did the crazy shit teenagers are doing today.  

Am I just too old for it all as my tolerance levels have waned somewhat or has generation Y gone and lost their fecking minds?! Perhaps I’m just too sober… but growing up as a teenager in 2014 sounds way too hard.

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