So the weather is playing us all for fools at the moment… FOOLS I tell thee! And with this blatant act of churlish dickery comes a few days of sunshine where we all are tricked into thinking it’s “500 degrees in the Caribbean seas with the hot mommies screaming AYYY PAPI!” (Soz) That’s until it shits down with rain 20 minutes later just after I’ve donned some flip flops and my ‘going out’ shorts. However this doesn’t stop the nation from going insane with the summertime lols and bants… and by that I mean… daytime drinking yo!
Here are 4 types of daytime drinking you will experience this summer…. Fun times.
One – The I peaked way too early and I now need a nap!
This is when you get far too over excited at the blue skies above and crack open a can of cider… at 10am… just after your cornflakes. One minute you and your mates are kicking back posting HILARIOUS photos on Facebook to show everyone how wild you are… and the next minute you’re saying “I’m just gonna close my eyes but I’m still totally listening.” You’re not… you’re a lightweight and should be ashamed of yourself. You lose a go. Please go back 2 spaces.
Two – The I actually think I need an ambulance! No really.
This is when we as grown ass people forget that all day drinking in the sun without water may just kill us! Because staying hydrated and basic common sense is for the weak damn it! Weak pale people who are afraid of a tan. You’ve picked your spot in the park/garden/outdoor area of choice which has zero shade. You then insist on drinking nothing but the sweet nectar of booze with only the cancerous sun to keep you company. 5pm rocks up and you can’t understand why you’re sweating, shivering and have no control over your bowel movements. Super.
Three – The I don’t feel drunk… so it's business as usual!
This is when you believe that daytime drinking doesn’t count as REAL drinking because it’s still daylight… aaaaand you’re a deluded drunk. “I only had a couple of jugs of ‘Sex on the Beach’… to myself… AND I had a biscuit for lunch… I’m fiiiiiine!” So you attempt to continue your day in an ordinary fashion. The last time I thought I was fine I casually walked into a music shop and bought a tambourine. Why? Because I apparently wanted to start a band.
Four – The I’m on dinner number six of the day!
Day drinking makes you feel not only like you need to eat the entire menu of Burger King, Nandos, the ice cream van down the street and aisle 7 in Tesco BUT it instills a belief that this kind of gross misconduct is totally acceptable. Apparently being a fat bastard doesn’t count if it’s still really early and the sun is out. No it really doesn’t as you’re going to be throwing it all up in the next few hours anyways.
Even though drinking in the sun hides a few sneaky evils… it is still one of my favourite past times. Won’t you please join me old sport?