So I recently went on a holiday with some friends to Spain, which consisted of 4 continuous days of boozing the hell out of our mind body and souls! We were giving it an enthusiastic 18 to 30s style vibe and then secretly crying into our complimentary breakfasts every morning… yearning for an over 50s river cruise. The measures of alcohol were insane and so it didn’t take me long to feel invincible, hilarious and obnoxious all at once. There were many times I sat back and remarked that if I wasn’t me, I would’ve wanted to beat me up by now. Here are 5 different alter egos some of us may go through on a night out!
The over complimentary muppet who makes friends in the toilet drunk!
If you’re a lady you know the trials and tribulations of the insane length of the queues for the toilets. So to pass the time you have chats with everyone and anyone. You may like their outfit or that thing they’ve done to their hair, so your drunk ass self feels the need to verbalise the “oh heeeey guuurl I LOVE your style!” shite. You only went in for urination purposes and to fix the makeup that has elegantly fallen down your face in a facial paralysis fashion. However, you now have come out of the toilets with 8 new best friends you have invited to your fictional wedding and exchanged numbers for that awesome night out you will never have.
The face down ass up grinding on anything that moves drunk!
You promised yourself you would never be that person who tries to own the dance floor like a cheap J-Lo backup dancer… but alas… Blurred Lines comes on and so there is no restraining the slut in you! The worst thing is… you’re actually taking yourself seriously and executing each booty tremor into the crotch area of your unsuspecting mate, as if you’re at an audition for every gangster rap video ever made. For shame!
The hot mess photo shoot drunk!
You’re wildly off your game and throwing unbelievable out of synch shapes all over the place. So instead of taking a moment… you pull out your phone and take offensively unflattering pictures. You're at least 3 hours into your night so you and your friends look as attractive as excrement right now, but you still pout, tilt and arch your back like the glamorous bitches you are. You even upload them straight to Facebook without any filters because you’re a sexy drunk… and ‘the fear’ hasn’t kicked in yet. Oh the hilarity.
The I know everything in the world ever… and you must listen because I’m so loud drunk!
You never really know how these social political racial debates on gay marriage and abortion in 1993 began, but beer has given you the confidence of being a giant gobshite. Even though you have zero experience on the subject, you still think you have won the argument because you shouted the loudest. You also totally outclassed your opponent by using powerful thought provoking responses such as ‘fuck you stupid face!’ and ‘yeah so’s your mum!’
The OH MY GAAAWD... everything in this dirty takeaway shop at 3am tastes JUST like sexy mouthfuls of heaven drunk!
You have drank just about enough to secure that 3 day hangover you were really looking forward to, so it’s off to the closest Chinese, Kebab, Pizza, Chicken shop you can find. You try to convince yourself you need this snack to sober you up, but you only need it because you’re a fatty bum bum and have no self control. Gorging on every last morsel of kebab meat that has been spinning around on that spike thing since yesterday morning, you proclaim to the entire ‘restaurant’ that this food is the finest in the land. You go in for a high five to the dude behind the counter who doesn’t get paid nearly enough to take your shit. The security guards intervene and ask you to leave. Super.