Apart from screaming excitedly to nobody but myself "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be...!" (as I perform back to back hits of Lionel Richie... Stars in Their Eyes style) and throwing occasional looks of disappointment at my breasts… I have mad thoughts that only enter my head when I’m showering. As I try to wake myself up for another fine day of procrastination, my mind wanders. I either freak myself out with 'fun' scenarios like "who will carry my coffin when I die?!" or truly thought provoking moments of "which Hollywood actor would I allow to impregnate me?" I always pick the hot gay guys so it's a lose lose situation. The shower is great place for meditation, crying uncontrollably, deciding what to have for dinner and whether I overdid it on the tingly mint source shower gel. I will share some of my brain burps… Now!
"Clapping is effectively self harming out of enjoyment. Stop hitting yourself... stop hitting yourself!"
"In order to fall asleep you have to pretend to sleep first."
"Gyms should fine you for the days you don’t go. I would then probably care about the 18 burgers I inhaled the night before."
"Ellen DeGeneres needs to stop dancing and making people’s problems all about that one time she came out! We get it… you’re gay and have a hot wife. Jeez!"
"I will now perform an emotional monologue of what I would say to that one boy who told me that ALL black girls were ugly... When I was 13... because I apparently never got closure."
"And now for your listening pleasure, a song! Well... the first verse and chorus of Bob Marley’s Redemption Song. The rest I just mumble and shimmy."
"If I fell and hit my head… who would come and save me?! And on a scale of 1 to ‘how the fuck do I unsee this monstrosity’ would my naked body offend them."
"Can I just sleep here?"
"Nobody falls in love with a personality at first sight. People only seem to give a shit about the way you look. This makes me sad."
"Can I reach my towel from here without potentially breaking my neck?"