Weddings are known to be one big melting pot of fucking crazies! You rock up maybe with a plus one, maybe on your own or maybe with a whole group of friends… and you are forced to make conversation with strangers. This mainly occurs whilst sat for dinner and you all answer the most overused question of the day “so how do you know the couple?” I always wanna make up elaborate/semi truthful stories like “we met whilst backpacking across Western Europe…” and ending with “and that’s why I walk with a limp and can’t look at a pineapple in the same way.” Alas I simply give a boring answer and make a beeline for the bar where I will be found for the entire day. But I digress… whilst having a nonsensical chat with my friend the other night, we came up with this: If countries were wedding guests… and you met them at this totally- fictitious- because- this- scenario- isn’t- real wedding… who would they be? Here’s what I figured…
The overly smiley forever helpful guest, asking people to sign the guestbook. They were denied the pleasures of being bridesmaid/groomsman so are making the wedded couple feel guilty by being super nice. They can be found helping to carry the presents into the designated present area. You could also throw a glass of wine into their salad at the dinner table, and they will profusely apologise on your behalf.
The drunk ass uncle who really tried to make an effort with his outfit, but his shirt now has different shades of booze spilt down the front. Conversation is a no go as he gets distracted with the band, drags you onto the dance floor and encourages you to make a holy show of yourself alongside him. He will be found at the end of the night swaying to the Irish national anthem even if the wedding is Jamaican.
The U.S of A
This is a couple. One being the cousin of the bride who was only invited because nobody wanted to offend auntie Joan. She is far too overdressed and has had so much botox her dead facial expressions scream ‘help me’ every time she attempts to start a conversation with you. The other chap is her hot athletic boyfriend who heckles the speeches because he thinks he’s hilarious. He’s not... at all. Someone please make him leave.
This guest rolls their eyes when you ask them to pass the bottle of wine that is supposed to be shared at the table. They’re the work colleague of the bride who only came to bitch about the dress and take infinite selfies. They can be found forming an orderly queue at the bar even though it’s totally unnecessary. By the end of the night they would’ve snogged the entire bridal party and are now crying for no good reason to auntie Joan in the toilets.
Any Island in the Caribbean
This guest is the exotic and fabulous university friend of the bride! They may have missed the memo about the subtle but chic dress code… but who gives a shit when they’re owning the dance floor and twerking on the grooms mother!
This guest is the old grumpy next door neighbour of the bride’s parents who really shouldn’t have been invited. He will spend the entire evening inciting hate to everyone within earshot because he's old... and archaic people basically do what they like. He later can be found trying to proposition the best man in the toilets.