I went to Glastonbury for the first time a couple of years ago and although it was truly glorious and I got sunstroke from sitting in the sun… all day…JUST so I had a good spot to see Beyoncé… I initially wanted to kill myself with a hemp poncho. I wasn’t prepared for any of it! I had been to a few music festivals before… but nothing quite broke me like the magnitude of Glasto. The walk from the car to the camp site was horrendous, and as I lay on the grass refusing to move from the pain of walking through mud with an oversized back pack and copious cans of cider in a broken Tesco bag… I had to blink back my tears! They said this would be fun… so why do I just want to vomit with exhaustion?! However after my mini diva strop and an encouraging text from a friend to say “get a grip and stop being a drama queen!” I fixed up… looked as sharp as hammered shit… and got my festival on! With this in mind, here are a few don’ts for having the greatest music festival experience ever. Well... one that doesn’t fuck too much with your chi!
Don’t expect to meet up with friends who you didn’t come with! Sure you’re at the same place… at the same time… but shit happens like the seduction of beer tents and drunken chats with guys dressed as Spiderman or Borat.
Don’t expect your mobile phone to last the entire weekend. If it’s not your network that has a meltdown, it’s your battery that decides to feck off and leave you. But sure, this is all irrelevant as you’ll probably lose it anyways.
Don’t wear those peer pressure t-shirts or hoodies with your nickname (that only YOU find funny) printed on the back. On day 1 it’s ‘hilarious’ when strangers scream your name from across a field… but by day 3 you just wanna stab everyone.
Don’t bitch about the headlining act and how the festival has ‘lost it’s rock roots!’ You’ve just re-mortgaged your home to buy a ticket for this event and you're here now… so shut the hell up and drink up!
Don’t expect to see your mates for the rest of the day if you decide to go off on a solo adventure! The biggest lie overheard at a festival is “I’ll meet you back here in 10 minutes.” You won’t. Go make new friends. They’re your family now.
Don’t ever underestimate the power of baby wipes!
Don’t romanticize the idea of having sex in a hot condensation filled tent! Mud, sweat and 2 day old underwear is a massive turn on… said no one ever.
Don’t be strict with your time or have set rules. Some of the best acts I have seen at festivals have been by pure accident. Usually because I’m lost or the act I really wanted to see is on a stage I can’t be arsed to walk to!
Don’t spend the whole time taking selfies and recording videos of the bands on stage. It’s live… enjoy it! And I’m pretty sure it’s time for another overpriced falafel wrap and beer.
Don’t shout “ALAN” or “STEVE!” It’s been done. That shit ain’t funny anymore.