Last weekend I frequented 2 of 4 well known gay bars in Dublin’s fair city along with my gay husband and straight wife. A few cheeky drinks that had me attempting to channel Beyoncé but if I’m honest… I was such a drunken monstrosity, that I wasn’t even Michelle!
After a few near death experiences with trying to dip it low… and pick it up slow (who knew that shit hurts if you’re not an actual trained dancer... or just really old!) I realised that there are certain occurrences which are consistent in all the gay bars. Now the scene maybe small here, but it's the exact same experience as if I was swaying under the influence in Soho London. Mostly these happenings make me wanna angry dance to Nicki Minaj or slap the next lesbian in a checked shirt with an undercut hairstyle. Can anyone else relate? Or it is just me…
You will be casually dancing to a cracking tune (that always sounds amazing when you’re pissed), when a drag queen takes to the stage and ruins it with a game of gay bingo, karaoke, gay bingo karaoke or lip syncing the shit out of a Lady GaGa song! Must I always be interrupted when I’m just trying to twerk on a twink?! Jeez.
Somewhere on the dance floor is a load of straight girls dancing in a circle with their shoes off.
There is always drama in the toilets! Usually it’s the straight wife starting the drama in fairness. The words “lesbians hate meeeee!!” is always screamed by her drunken ass as we queue for a cubicle. I usually reply “that’s because they can hear you and you’re being a dickhead!” However can a girl not have a wee, try and assemble her clown makeup in the mirror and ninja her way around the toilet attendant selling lollipops in peace?
Being ignored at the bar by the gay guys serving… in vests… who can’t help flirting with themselves, is my biggest pet hate. It’s impossible to get the attention of any gay man in general, but as a lesbian it’s like they can smell the incompatibility off of you and will continue to see right through your sad disgruntled lesbian face.
There is always a fag hag who is out of her mind drunk! She’s like Bambi taking her first steps through a sea of aggressive choreographed air punches... to the house remix of every Rihanna song... ever. She is also that one bird who will be found unnecessarily shouting “I like penis!” whenever a lesbian walks past. She's such a hoot!