5 Movie Plots I've Never Seen

On Sunday I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time and up until I hit play on Netflix, I assumed it was about a dude… called Will… who went hunting. One of my resolutions this year which requires little effort so quite achievable, is to watch a lot more movies. And not just any old movie but the ones where I get mocked for in public for not having seen before. Some like to call it ‘the classics’ and others may list them in their top 100 must see before they die films. Many factors contribute to me not watching these so called classics and the main reasons are laziness and the fact that I scare easily. Most films deemed totes amaze by cinematic audiences tend to be movies I shy away from like violence, horror or some psychological thriller that scratches on the inside of your brain for weeks after. I have no desire to scare myself shitless and emotionally soil myself for sport! So with this in mind I have written a brief synopsis on what I think some well-known movies are about based on nothing except my imagination and Chinese whispers.

Pulp Fiction

I’ve seen maybe 47 seconds of this film as a friend flicked over the TV one day, and a man was being sexually assaulted. Couldn’t. Cope. At all…

"A movie about two guys in suits John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson who go around making friends with the criminal underworld and possibly shooting people too. I imagine lots of unnecessary blood and a plot that makes you feel like you’ve taken LSD purely because it’s a Tarantino movie. Samuel L Jackson probably swears a lot and uses the N word because he’s a bad mother fucker… or something. John Travolta and Uma Thurman also dance like dickheads. They take lots of drugs and fall in love through the medium of dance and violence."

Alien

Of course this film is mega popular and a cult classic where I’m sure many other films have copied the format. A format that goes like this…

"A bunch of people head on up into space looking for stuff that doesn’t need to be looked for. Like seriously… leave shit alone! But because some people are curious assholes, they discover a monster who is just minding its own business. This monster then gets pissed off and takes it in turns to eat everyone in a most excellent gruesome way. If there’s a black guy he clearly dies first and whoever Sigourney Weaver’s character is, wins the game of “who can stay alive” as I know there are equally frightening sequels!"

Trainspotting

Another cult classic that stars Ewan McGregor who looks really unwell due to drugs or AIDS or both…

"Basically the plot consists of mates over indulging on drugs and having a wicked time. Until someone dies and they all have to re-evaluate their lives. Stuffed into the film are gangsters who are always chasing someone for money, pretty girls who may get naked and a great soundtrack that I will instantly love."

Scarface

Again another film I know of but have no idea what it’s about. Gangsters I’m guessing and someone with a scar on their face…

"A young man destined for great things falls into a bad crowd of corrupt criminals. They form a bond closer than family until someone betrays that trust and shit gets real! Drugs, women, guns, ridiculous outfits and someone introducing his “little friend!” My guesses are it’s an elf or his penis."

Silence of the Lambs

I know this stars Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster with a bad haircut. A haircut that suggests she’s a massive lesbian but people were ‘shocked’ when she came out… bitch please! But I digress…

"So something about Hannibal Lecter eating people and falling in love with whoever Jodie Foster’s character is… because ya know… cannibalistic psychopaths are cute and vulnerable too! There probably is some plot to this film... maybe to do with really quiet lambs. However I’m still struggling with how much volume and bounce Jodie Foster’s hair has."

Random Acts Of Kindness: A Thought.

10 Stereotypically Black Statements