Black people are a hoot! Every time I visit home I not only slip back into using West Indian slang like a TV extra in Desmonds, I also end up leaving with ridiculous stories of this one time when a second cousin (who isn’t really my cousin but they’re black therefore we’re related!) made the death of an auntie all about him, his struggle... and how lovely his wife in the green dress looks! You can also rest assured that no matter what ailment you are suffering from whether it’s a common cold or full blown AIDS, a plate of rice and peas and chicken washed down with a Supermalt will cure you! So with this in mind, here are 5 scenarios that occur when a group of black folk from the Caribbean get together and make loud noises!
Some frail relative who you vaguely remember from a church function when you were 8… and who generally smells like coconut oil and musty lavender, will ALWAYS tell you how fat you are! Old black folk seem to think that being a little round is a good thing because it shows you’re healthy and happy. They fail to realise that it’s kinda an insult and the reason you are silently weeping is because they’ve just called you a fat bitch.
Someone mentions food, gets angry about food or slags off someone else’s food! Basically food is the core and life support of the black community. If you’re not eating or thinking about eating then what the hell is wrong with you?! And never ever refuse any food if it’s offered to you as you now have just offended everyone and ruined your great Aunts 85th birthday celebrations.
Someone tells you a really long ass health related story usually about their chronic back pain… and how that has something to do with Jesus! Black people love a bit of old time religion and shoehorning it into every possible occasion. Apparently God is good all the time… and all the time God is good.
You’re introduced to a complete stranger by your ageing uncle (who really isn’t your uncle but a close family friend), as he tries to convince you that the random standing before you is your cousin. You’re pretty sure you’re not in any way shape or form related… but as not to cause offense you nod and agree and are now awkwardly embracing a stranger danger.
Conversation etiquette is replaced with screaming laughter and dramatic hand gestures where nobody is listening to one another and everyone is trying to make it about themselves! As everyone talks over each other it's the loudest person in the group who inevitably wins! Civilised chats are scoffed at as every point of view is amazingly turned into “this one time back in the Caribbean…”, conspiracy theories of aliens building the Egyptian pyramids and of course… how the white man is still oppressing the black man!