Dating a Girl in an 80s & 90s Movie

Old school movies are so brilliantly cringe and outdated that I salivate over them on the regular! Some of my all-time favourite films were born out of the 1980s early 90s and they not only kept me entertained as a kid, but watching them now gets me giddy as a goat! (Who the feck has ever seen a giddy goat?! Are goats really giddy? Ridiculous phrase!) If you’re looking to date a girl from an 80s or 90s movie (sure who isn't?!) you need to be aware of the following…

Apologies if this gets a little confusing, but I wrote it very late at night under the glare of sexy mood lighting, and in my head everything made perfect sense... so keep up!


She will probably be in high school or dressed to look like a foetus age of 16, even though her real life age is 40. This is totally fine and she can easily pull it off… mainly because you will be too distracted with the volume of her hair. 


She’s gonna be the girlfriend of the school bully or your karate nemesis… or a complete geek who has to tutor you because you’re failing maths. But have no fear, because as soon as she removes her glasses and puts on a whore-ish frock whilst shimmying down the stairs to the Dawson’s Creek soundtrack… that bitch is gonna look fabulous!


Your most successful strategy to gain her attention would be to hold a boom box above your head outside her window, kidnapping her after she loses her memory from falling off a boat... and then making her believe she’s your wife… OR by showing her how butch you really are by fighting baddies on a pirate ship. 


Her dress sense is off the shoulder EVERYTHING. Whether it's a grey sweater or electric blue t-shirt for gym... one shoulder and defined collarbone will be highly visible. If it doesn’t come with leg warmers or have a high waistband, then she’s not interested! For your first date she wears a 'stunning' cocktail dress. You present her with a necklace… she places her hand in the box…  you snap it shut. Boom! HILARIOUS! Girls love impromptu LOLZ.


Once you’re dating you still pursue your extra curricular activities like flying jet planes and playing topless homoerotic beach volleyball with your mates. Sometimes when you’re feeling super energetic, you take part in karate tournaments where you win the whole fucking thing with a massively unrealistic kick to the face! 


Your preferred mode of transport is erratic unnecessary video montage to a soft rock anthem, the top of moving train carriages pursued by angry Colombians who are also looking for this Jewel of the Nile… and a pink hover board hanging off the back of a car. Girls love hover boards. #dreamboat.


Drama in your relationship consists of borrowing money from your doctor dad to pay for an illegal abortion… your girlfriend actually turns out to be a mermaid or a mannequin… and you travel back in time where your mum tries to hit on you! Awkward. 


However you get through the turmoil by dancing like a slut on the main stage at some shit summer resort with your parents. All eyes are on you baby! Or if things are really bad, you resort to drugs or selling your body for meaningless sex. Either way, you’ll wait for your friends to stage an intervention or get picked up by a rich dude on Hollywood Boulevard. Work it baby… own it!

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