8 Ways To Make Yourself Feel Shit

I’m a self-proclaimed idiot who often finds illogical comfort in wallowing in self-pity… usually caused by dramatic events I have created myself. Yes I am that talented. Things maybe going superbly in my life but no no… wait… how about I just sprinkle a little bit of fucked up-ness here (because surely having a peaceful content life is the work of the devil), and sit back and watch this shit get real! Doesn’t that just sound peachy?! I sometimes can’t help overthink unnecessary situations to ruin a perfectly normal Thursday morning. Do I do it to keep myself grounded… or do I just enjoy being mental?! So as sharing is caring, I thought I would list 8 sure fire ways to wreck your buzz! No no… thank you!

Think about where you thought you were gonna be when you were 17 and compare that to where you are now. Dreams, hope and ambition are a wonderful thing…  but being financially ruined by a lifestyle you can’t afford is reality. I was supposed to be married (to a man... imagine!) with 2 kids and earning copious amounts of cash as a black Jessica Fletcher from ‘Murder She Wrote’ by now! I have failed on every level!

Replay a totally made up horrific scenario of a family member or friend dying whilst sat on a bus one day. Ok the bus part is optional… but a great way to reduce yourself to tears is to imagine your life without someone you love! Recently I was sat in McDonald’s with my friend discussing who would be chosen to carry our coffin out of the church!! Dickheads.

Browse amazing holiday destinations you can never go on because your bank balance is forever mocking you and your wannabe decadent lifestyle. Or better still, flick through your album of travel pics from when you were 23, hot and skinny!

Login to your internet banking and refresh the page. Stare for a little bit and realise you’re gonna die poor surrounded by expensive items you bought on your credit card.

Think about an ex who dumped you. Preferably the one who wasn’t even attractive and you were gonna dump anyways but they just got in there first. That will make you feel glorious any day of the week!

Watch YouTube videos of soldier’s returning from war greeted by their family members, cute but dickhead cats or video montages of African kids dying of malaria because you're too selfish to donate £2 a month for a mosquito net.

Step on weighing scales. I did this the other night in my mate's bathroom and sure enough it made me violently angry at my delicious Chinese takeaway I just demolished.

Calculate how long ago it was when you left school. Feel outraged at the fact that you feel like you’re 17 but you’re actually 30 and still do not have a rich spouse to look after you. Devastated.

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