The 5 Stages When They’re Just Not Into You

The movie 500 Days of Summer is one of my favourites. A story of boy meets girl, boy falls way harder than girl… and girl basically is a bitch. It’s a true portrayal of a classic love story that is not the regurgitated fairytale shite written on the inside of a greeting card. Sometimes as I have expressed before in a previous post, the object of your affection may just not be THAT into you as you so desire… and it blows! Not gonna lie… fancying someone who finds the thought of you in a romantic sense repulsive and straight up offensive… is not the greatest feeling in the world. “I love you but I’m just not IN love with you.” Well fuck you very much. But I digress… Someone is usually into the other a lot more and here I have highlighted 5 stages one may go through when you tell your crush/love how you feel.

Number One: Complete & Utter Denial

The overwhelming butterflies you experience when your phone goes off with a mundane text from them is clouding your judgment. This along with the psychotic stalking of their Facebook page and the album of their niece’s christening from 2011, has encouraged you to make an asshole out of yourself by confessing your love. Once your crush stifles a laugh and makes uncomfortable small talk about how they value your friendship… you backtrack so far you’re in Narnia and insist that you were joking! Of course you don’t fancy them! Ewww that’s totally weird and inappropriate right?! And when you tell your friends about the incident, you choke back tears and say “I’m fiiiiiine!”

Number Two: Anger

After you’ve thrown yourself the most exquisite pity party, the anger kicks in. You question what is wrong with yourself and then start making wild claims about how it’s “their loss because bitch I’m fabulous!” as you snap your fingers like a fierce Lauryn Hill in Sister Act 2. Like who wouldn’t want to date you? You’re a hoot!

Number Three: Desperation

The second stage is fleeting once you realize bravado gets you nowhere and the only way to have someone fall in love with you is to beg and guilt trip them. You’ve exhausted your Adele albums and have taken up performance poetry as you stand outside their house reciting sonnets and shit. You also cry a lot… right in front of them… hoping that this broken person who stands before them is attractive enough for them to reconsider.

Number Four: Depression

You’re so emo that you often execute the foetal position naked on the bathroom floor. You find this routine totally empowering as you demolish what’s left of your self respect. Your friends and family are beyond worried about you as you try to justify being drunk at 3pm on a Wednesday still dressed in your pajamas.

Number Five: Clarity & Acceptance

Finally there is a light at the end of the tunnel! You’ve had your moment to wallow and make a holy show of yourself, and you see the errors of your ways. So what they may have not loved you back, that is totally fine. It wasn’t meant to be… you’ll find your prince/princess soon enough. (insert vomit inducing cliché here) However your friend mentions their name in passing and from nowhere you switch becoming aggressive and defensive. You protest you’re over them but proceed for the next hour over analyzing a situation you created in your head. Honey, go grab a bottle of vodka and a onesie… the process begins again.

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