The Three Little Pricks

I used to love bedtime stories... or just any rambling narrative for that matter. Tell us a story Jackanory! The great oral tradition exists in many cultures and is not only used as entertainment, but also as a way of passing down a little bit of history. However like most stories they are subjected to Chinese whispers and embellished beyond the recognition of their actual origin. So I figured I would re-write the tale of the three little pigs with very little focus as I tap away at my keyboard. Enjoy!

Once upon a time there were three little pigs who were complete assholes in equal measure but for varying reasons. The first pig was a lad, who would laugh at his own jokes, burp the alphabet and drink pints of Stella whilst looking for a fight by the kebab van on a Saturday night. The second pig embodied the hipster franchise and would wear ironic clothing resembling a homeless person, whilst banging on about a new club night in East London that is gender neutral playing a mix of ska, punk and Latin electro beats. He also used hashtags unnecessarily because he was a #dickhead. The third pig was highly intelligent but believed his own hype and would often belittle those who as far as he was concerned, were dumb as fuck. After being booted out of home by their tax evasion mother who needed to convert their bedrooms into a wet room, gym and sauna… they had to go and find a place of their own.

The three homeless pigs wandered aimlessly for a while until they decided to build their own homes just like the idiots on Grand Designs or Property Ladder. You know the shows… with the folk who have to re-mortgage their grandparents home, max out their credit cards and then live in a caravan because they didn’t listen to Sarah Beeny?! So the first pig who was an impatient lazy shit went off to build his house of straw. It was cheap enough and easy enough to put together. He completed way ahead of schedule so he celebrated with a few pints and making inappropriate sexist jokes down the pub with his mates.

The second pig who read on a blog somewhere that sticks were eco-friendly and a sustainable material, decided to bang together his house. Chuffed to bits with the outcome he took a photo of his masterpiece and Instagrammed the hell outta it with a Lo-Fi filter. It got 36 likes from bored friends.

The third pig who was far too clever for his own good knew that the only way to build a house was obviously with bricks… because ya know… he wasn’t a moron. So off he went sourcing a contractor and builder to make his house MTV Crib worthy. The house went up… the pig was in… life was good.

That was until a hungry wolf rocked up in town one day wanting to get his eat on. For the sake of this story let’s call him Francis… Francis the fabulous flamboyant wolf! So looking for a quick bite to eat Francis found himself at the front gate of the first pig and his house of straw. He struts up to the front door and declares very eloquently “Little pig... little pig… let me come in!” The first pig who was high on crystal meth giggled to himself thinking Francis the wolf was just a hallucination and said “ah sure… come in!” (The pig is apparently now Irish!) Francis was shocked by his response and kinda pissed off the pig didn’t stick to the script. There wasn’t even reference to hairs of anyone’s chinny chin chin and this was terribly upsetting. So he replied “well I’m still gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!” So Francis huffed… and he puffed… and he blew the house of straw down gobbling up the first pig with much ease. Appetizer done!

With a taste of pork lingering on the lips of Francis, he went off to find some more piggies. He finally came across the house of sticks made by the hipster pig number two. Walking up to the front door he noticed through the window the second pig practicing yoga and the smell of gluten free baked bread in the oven. Eloquently again Francis the wolf declares “little pig… little pig… let me come in!” The hipster pig startled but slightly excited that a wolf is standing outside his house (‘hilarious’ Facebook status update in the making) whimpers… “no Mr wolf… not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in!” So as you can expect, Francis replied “well then I will huff and I will puff… and I will blow your house down”. And guess what… he only went and bloody did it! Hipster pig number two was gobbled up in a frenzy… main course done!

Francis was becoming rather full but like all good pig eating monsters, he was greedy and still wanted more. So off he mooched to the third pig’s house of bricks. Surveying the house from the outside Francis knew this pig would be a little different, but overcome with new found hunger pains… Francis ignored the fact that this pig was clever and continued his same old tired routine. “little pig… little pig… let me…” The geeky third pig interrupted Francis midway through his flow. How very dare he! “Now let me just stop you there Mr wolf. I have no interest in what you are selling or for the fact you wanna eat my bacon ass right now” (The third pig is now apparently ghetto fabulous!) “So be gone with you… I got shit to do… like this Sudoku puzzle because ya know... I’m a fucking genius and stuff!”

Astonished and appalled by the third pig’s insubordination, Francis the wolf huffed and he puffed… and he huffed and he puffed… but the house of bricks did not fall down. Outsmarted by the third pig and getting increasingly hungry angry, Francis decided to get all Mission Impossible Tom Cruise up in here, and scaled the roof of the pig’s brick house. Francis would then shimmy down the chimney, jump out in a pantomime villain type fashion, dramatically screaming “AH HA!” and proceed to gobble up the third pig just like his wreckless brothers. However the third pig was in fact very clever indeed second guessing Francis' next step... and he left a pot of boiling water under the chimney. So when Francis made his way down he would meet his boiling watery grave.

As poor Francis (yep I'm feeling empathy towards the wolf now) lowered himself further and further down into the pig’s chimney licking his fat lips as he went, he had no idea what fate lay before him… SPLASH! Into the pot of boiling water he fell… I’m melting… I’m melting!

The third little pig was triumphant! But because he was an arrogant tosser with no mates, he had nobody to high five. He had however slayed the big bad wolf and nobody could take that away from him. He could now go back to being a little prick with his intense conversational skills and zero banter.

The End.

16 Amazing Things That Make You Feel Good

If My Period Was An Actual Person