All by myseeeeelf! Sometimes I quite like it. Just chilling with me, myself and I with nothing but the sweet chorus of a toilet flushing from the flat upstairs and the pikey screaming outside my window because they’ve run out of booze/cigarettes/heroin/all of the above. When we’re on our own we all do things we would never dream of revealing to anyone for fear of ridicule or being sent straight to jail. You may NOT pass ‘Go’ or collect £200.
I was discussing this topic with my best friend after she told me that she can be found most days exiting the bathroom in a blaze of steam glory announcing to absolutely nobody “Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be…!” And also how she has a penchant for weirdly plucking her eyebrows every god damn day not because she needs to, but because it just feels so good…
Living on my own I can pretty much strip off and run around naked all day everyday if the mood so takes me. (Just let that beautiful image marinade with you as you hold back that acidic taste of vomit.) However I don’t because even I find nudity unnecessary at best... and me run? Bitch please! Nevertheless I do indulge in solo habits as if they’re perfectly normal. One being that of talking to a mirror when I’m in the bathroom as if I’m being interviewed on This Morning! Yes the television show is very specific and paramount to my semi psychotic, self-obsessed episode… and it has been for many years now. Usually I’m talking about my newly released film or my recent novel, moving nicely into my views on same sex marriage and abortion. You see, I like to think there is much more to me than my obvious talents! If you don’t have your own personal monologue or Oscar acceptance speech in your head already… then what kind of monster are you?!
I also find the following habits a daily occurrence in the privacy of my own home. Judge me all you want!
*Cupping a boob. Just one at a time if you will. Simply checking they’re still there, and yes it’s a comfort thing when kicking back with a nice cuppa tea and Murder She Wrote.
*Having multiple dinners unashamedly because the first dinner was just a glorified sandwich made with no love, and the McDonalds Chicken Legend with spicy tomato salsa barely touched the sides.
*Eating cold baked beans straight outta the tin with a spoon, without being told I’m gonna die from the chemicals in the actual tin.
With the delights of the interweb I know we all use Google for far more than a legitimate search query such as “do penguins have knees?” But for the sake of this post and me not wanting to report you, let’s keep it strictly PG you dirtbag!
Do you have any secret solo habits that are only performed when nobody else is looking?