School Lessons You Really Didn’t Need

School days… you either loved it, hated it or simply tolerated it until you were old enough to make your own decisions without getting grounded by the parental unit. I personally loved it! Easily some of my best years full of no responsibility except having your homework diary signed/forged… and the only turmoil that crossed your worried little mind was whether you got to sit next to your 13 year old boyfriend/girlfriend in food tech. Hindsight of course is a marvellous thing as I sit at my desk, listening to someone’s fucking car alarm sound for 20 minutes so far, whilst looking at my bank balance with tears in my eyes. School was the land of opportunity! Even if you were a complete fuck up who was forever in detention for being too loud (not my fault my voice carries a little further than my classmates), you still had potential to turn your life around and get your shit together. We were pumped with knowledge to help mould the fine-ish folk we are today… but I can’t help but think… that some of the things preached to us by our highly esteemed scholars, were in fact a massive pile of irrelevant shite!

I have never once used Pythagoras’ Theorem nor did I care for it whilst sat in my Maths class thinking about whether I had enough money to buy McCain Micro Chips at lunch. I’m pretty sure there is some deep seeded scientific reason as to why kids are made to learn Mathematical equations that has zero benefit as a grown up… BUT I can confidently say I have never used one of them since the age of 16. If the sum cannot be done on a calculator… then I ain’t interested! Teach us the basics about money…  finances… spending, borrowing, rent, mortgages… and most importantly, if I’m financially fecked… how much would be a reasonable amount of money to ask your parents for without being uninvited to Christmas dinner. All solid relevant issues that I had to Forest Gump my way through in my 20s.

Science to me made no sense and I spent most of the time packing up my things to stand outside the staff room. Apparently swearing at the teacher wasn’t tolerated! Who knew. The only time I became excited about physics or chemistry was when we had to use Bunsen burners, because let’s face it… fire is totally fun! However one of the things we all had to learn was the glorified periodic table. I was confident then that memorizing all the chemical symbols for shit I didn’t care about would not help me further on in my life. And hey look… I was right!

I was mad about sports at school… and with my brother and I making up the entire population of ‘black other’ under the umbrella of ethnic minorities at my very white middle class school, we needed to represent! My fast twitch fibres and I that made me a genetically athletic goddess (stay with me on that beautiful image!), were exploited and I loved it! I could confidently master most sports… but give me a javelin and someone’s head is gonna get decapitated. I just couldn’t do it! Throwing a pointy stick was ironically pointless. What am I gaining from this exercise except a sore arm and wanting to repeatedly punch my lesbian PE teacher for suggesting this ridiculous event in the first place. I’m no Fatima Whitbread… and you can’t make me!

Geography was another example of a class that I always wanted to fake a death in the family to miss. Explaining that your dog ate your homework to get outta detention wasn’t gonna quite cut it… someone had to die in order for your lies to stick. Gone were the days of pointing to a map and locating Montenegro and feeling like a champion of Geography. Oh no no fine friends… now were the times when it was of paramount importance to talk about rocks, soil and fucking cloud formation!! How will the name of clouds such as Nimbostratus and Cumulonimbus (which for the record sound like wizardry nonsense from Harry Potter) help me be the best person I can be?! And while we’re here, you can take your cold air, warm air, soil and coastal erosion… and ram it up your hole! Thanks.

Attending school was seriously some of the best years of my life, but there are many hours of my life I will never ever get back due to the unnecessary lessons taught. I swear the teachers were bored or just high on caffeine/crystal meth when lesson planning.

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