Yes ok I’m not the biggest advocate of weddings… mainly because I find them exhausting unless they have a free bar. True story. Am I happy for the married couple…? Yes of course. High fives and woops and yays etc etc. However do I care much for details… no. So when it came to wedding photos I didn’t think I would care… that was until my eyes were continuously assaulted again and again of wedding pics on Facebook. Some photos are quite delightful and if I’m not PMS-ing all over the place or have eaten, then I may attempt a smile and expel an “aaaww!” However mostly I find myself suffering from repetitive eye strain from the amount of rolling they do. Yes it’s your wedding day so do what you like and fuck the rest! But do you have to look like cheesy bastards in the process?
At weddings there is always that one shot of everyone staring up to the sky as the photographer sneakily hangs outta a window. Nice. Everyone appears to be included, but nobody knows what the baby Jesus is going on! Some of us are squinting, some are saying “cheers!” for no apparent reason except they’re probably bored… and oh look... now they're raising a glass over someone else’s face. But the majority are looking miserable because it’s raining and this was a shit idea to begin with.
The mid-air jumps need to stop. Why are we jumping? Nobody looks good in a jump action shot! There’s always one person who is far too enthusiastic and pulls the most disgusting face ‘by accident’, then there’s another ‘fun Bobby’ who didn’t hear the countdown and jumped too late so just has bended knees in the photo… and then finally someone looks like they’re missing a leg. And the award for the most retarded photo goes to…
The bride in the bath tub shot is ridiculous. The bride has two jobs on the day of her wedding. One, to look hot as hell as if the 7 hour prep of hair and makeup complete with tears and tantrums didn’t happen AND TWO… smile continuously for hours whilst trying to breathe in her tight ass dress. So why do photographers insist on the bride lifting up her giant outfit into an empty bath tub pretending that it is the most natural situation in the world? Pricks.
Hey we all love a good prop… but why the hell are you holding an umbrella and a pimp daddy cane?! And put down the moustaches on a stick and the giant fake antique frame you are holding in front of your faces. That is all.
I still don’t get the point of the cake and why we all have to run over to the bride and groom just to watch them cut it. Wooooo… alright congrats you have a cake and you’re cutting it. You’re essentially preparing food to be consumed… the most uninteresting thing in the world. It’s also a job for just one person, so why are you both holding hands and smiling like crazy people??!! And what is worse… I’m still looking taking pictures of this monstrosity of a ritual!
I do believe the dude at the front of the church/marquee/non-specific room or outdoor space has said “You may now kiss the bride” NOT “you may now kiss the bride AND if all your guests will look at you in a creepy like fashion!” So why oh why is this image overdone to the max?! You can blur us out to make it look all arty and shit… and whack some Sepia tint effect on it… but nobody wants to pose for a photo watching their mates get to first base.
Pick me up and carry me like one of your French girls Jack! You all know the photograph in question… the one where the bride is being lifted by her new husband and his groomsman as she ‘effortlessly’ lays across them in her expensive gown grimacing through the awkwardness. The distribution of the bride’s weight is also flawed! There’s always one guy buckling slightly as he is taking her entire weight, whilst the others are supporting the load of her right shoe and hair extensions.
I know it must be hard to be original when most weddings are just carbon copies of each other, and even when you think you are being hilariously unique you realise it’s already been done. However try! I dare you to be a little more creative.