If My Period Was An Actual Person

Not gonna lie… when mother nature hands us girls that monthly present of feeling like an irrational hormonal beast with that oh so attractive bloated tummy… it usually is about as much fun as listening to a dickhead on public transport playing shite music from their mobile phone. The only people who are delighted for bleeding non-stop for a few days are those highly intelligent girls who managed to convince themself that they got knocked up, even though they were fully clothed whilst sharing a bed/floor space with a bloke. For every other female it’s just straight up inconvenient. The effects of the menstrual cycle affects every woman differently, but for the sake of this post I’m gonna wildly generalise because I just don’t care enough about individual cases of PMS.

If my period was a walking talking human being… this is how I imagine it would behave and what it would say. Totally normal I know.

“Oh would you look at that! A massive SHARE bag of Walkers crisps ‘Caramelised Onion & Balsamic Vinegar!’ I dare you to eat TWO WHOLE bags… to yourself and not even give one fuck about how disgusting and obese you are right now.”

“OMG. That new advert for car insurance with the little old lady who is finally able to get the right quote tailored to her needs, is just so damn emotional! Blink the tears back honey… blink them back.”

“My life sucks. As I sit in my own flat, thinking about when I was at university and flicking through my travel photos of all these countries I’ve visited. I have achieved ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in my 30 years of being on this planet. I know what will make me feel HEAPS better… drinking an entire bottle of Blossom Hill wine and texting my ex.”

“Holy shit… how did I get so fat?!”

“I’m pretty sure I have strained my eyes from rolling them so much at my all my friends first world problems!”

“I couldn’t give a shit if your legs no longer work and you are now horrifically bound to a wheelchair for life… get it off this public pathway that is open to one and all! Move it or lose it sister! I got places to go… like McDonalds.”

“I double dare you to eat ice cream for breakfast!”

“Sorry… but what the fuck did you just say to me?! Yeah that’s right… you maybe my best friend in the whole world… but this illogical argument I’m starting with you is totally necessary and ALL your fault.”

“Oh wow… I started crying on Monday… It’s now Thursday… and these salty tears of self-pity are still going strong. Impressive.”  

“I have acne like a fecking teenager and I’m 30! Like WTF!”

“I HAVE NO CLOTHES!! Nothing fits me and I look ugly. I’m not going out. Today is cancelled! Thanks.”

The Three Little Pricks

Irish Folk Are Funny… and other stories.