So basically I’ve been living in Dublin for roughly a year and a half and I have no intentions to leave right now because I love it. Oh and also because my ambition to travel the world and complete my impossible bucket/fuck it list is kinda flawed due to my laziness. Living amongst the Irish has allowed me exclusivity into their marvellous world. They are not just a proud nation of alcoholics having the craic and singing their national anthem at really random drunk occasions… oh no my friends… the Irish have heaps more layers than that!
Irish girls have this innate inability to take a fucking compliment. The conversation will start with myself saying very innocently “you look really hot… I love your outfit!” and it will end with the now irrationally angry Irish girl screaming “are you slagging me?!” and then telling me how it only cost €14 in Penneys (Primark) Well ok… thanks. I dunno what just happened but now you’ve Jedi mind fucked me into apologising for being nice. The girls here also use fake tan and makeup as part of a nutritionally balanced diet. If your skin tone is not a shade of deep mahogany, and your face doesn’t have 18 layers of makeup… then sort your life out because natural beauty is an abomination! Don’t get me wrong Irish ladies are very beautiful, but you can’t move for false eyelashes and the stench of fake tan coming outta a room full of girls at any social event is quite astonishing.
I forget how catholic Irish folk are! Stupid I know. Back home many of my friends if not all were brought up with a little bit of Christianity in us, but we sure as hell didn’t embrace it in our lives. And if you did… you were singled out and bullied for being part of a cult who drank rabbit’s blood! Religion is a big deal over here and with that comes superstition and witchcraft! The first time I heard of St Anthony was when I lost my glasses and my friend said very matter-of-factly “have you prayed to St Anthony to find them?” Urmmm what?! Have I asked a random ‘Saint of lost things’ (pretty sure that’s made up) if he can find my glasses… No. Why? Because it sounds ludicrous. However this is legitimate protocol in Ireland. Say a little prayer to St Anthony and bribe him with a few quid… and hey presto… your lost shit turns up! I felt like a dick doing this but low and behold my glasses appeared in my pants drawer a few days later. And so I was dragged along to a church where I had to deposit €10 into the offering box… because if you don’t pay up, you’re cursed and St Ant will tell you to do one if you try and call on his wizardry skills again. Bizarre.
I am prepared to overlook the fact that the Irish struggle pronouncing the 'th' of certain words and simply ignore the 'h' and lead with the 't'. For example, thing is ting, three is tree and through is true! I will also through gritted teeth, turn a blind eye to the fact that they call football 'soccer' (I know right!)... all because I fall in love with the Irish accent on a daily basis. Read aloud a shopping list in an Irish accent or describe to me the scientific process of photosynthesis in your dashing Irish tones, and I will not be held responsible for my vagina exploding. However sometimes I struggle understanding thick Dublin accents but mainly because of the random words and phrases they use that make no fucking sense… at all. Irish folk are amazing at throwing in nonsensical words into perfectly formed sentences, or simply saying out loud “Story horse!” when they greet you. This is used as a kind of salutation to someone almost as a “hey how’s things”. STORY HORSE? Why a horse?! Are you calling me a horse?! How does that even work! Nod and smile my friends… nod and smile! Whenever I get into the back of a Dublin cab and there’s an ageing Irish man driving, I pray that I’m not drawn into a political debate about the state of the country because a) I don’t really get it b) I can’t understand the last 7 sentences you just spoke and 3) my English accent is gonna get me beaten up!
Viva the Irish! Making me write rambling blog posts since 2013. The kinda folk who will openly mock you and then buy you a drink!