6 Ways To Never Ever Get Over Your Ex

Have you ever rolled your eyes so hard when your mates suggest you stop pining over an ex, build that bridge… get over it… and then blow that mother fucking bridge up with fire and brimstone? Well why not ignore the advice from those who genuinely love you and want the best for you, and just stay obsessed with your ex forever ever! It’s totally healthy and doesn’t hinder your growth as a fine human being at all. Here are six top stellar ways to never get over that one person who probably has already forgotten your name. Super!

One

Never remove those rose tinted specs. Keep your ex on an exalted pedestal of all things just and wonderful, casually ignoring the times they had commitment issues and a shit haircut. Oh and bypass the heartbreaking drama where they referred to you as their  ‘friend’ for the years you were actually dating and having sex, because lets face it… nothing makes you swoon over someone so hard as being treated like an absolute asshole.

Two

Read into every little thing they do and say. Yep, she just blinked again right after the initial blink… oh wait she’s doing it again! It’s a frigging sign I tell you! They still want you! Phew... that was close.

Three

Google “How do you know if your ex is still into you?” and then force yourself to believe that all the signs listed on these highly reputable websites created by pretend psychology pricks, do apply to you when none of them do at all. Not even a little bit.

Four

Watch a movie where the two main characters who split up for genuine reasons always get back together in the end, and use this as a basis for your own non relationship with your ex. If Ross and Rachel from Friends made it in the end… so can you honey… because life is EXACTLY like an American television sit-com.

Five

Ruin every single future relationship or potential meetings with new suitors after breaking up with your ex . Over analyze your relationship with this fantastic new person and rip it to shreds finding inconceivable hideous faults like… they just don’t do that cute thing with their nose like your ex did. Well it did sound like this new relationship wasn’t going anywhere anyways... right?!

Six

Finally, stay best friends with your ex and hang out all the time, making it truly impossible to move on because you’re with them constantly. Oh and don’t forget to get drunk as hell together and have sex most nights… but just as best friends. That soul destroying moment when they say “it’s so nice we can just be friends and it doesn’t feel weird at all” will pass soon enough.

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