Facebook Status’ Unplugged

Extensive research (soooo… just me thinking out loud then) shows that when we update our Facebook status it is always rather duplicitous. We write one thing when in fact we mean another. The thing is, we think we’re so stealth and clever claiming it’s just an innocent update on our life, but those who are closest to us, or have eyes… can read between the lines. Life isn’t perfect 24-7 so therefore by default, the lives we portray on Facebook are bullshit at best! Granted there is no contractual agreement between Mark Zuckerberg and myself that states I have to always tell the truth. So if I wanna pretend my life is a glamorous sham, then so be it! However it’s the realization that those who are actually out living their lives and are blissfully content, are the ones who do not need to tell everyone because they’re too busy… living. This is when you may feel like a bt of a twat. Here are some examples of FB status’ and their real meaning…

“OMG the FUNNIEST thing just happened to me! I am simply mortified!”

Whatever just happened to you isn’t even funny. It barely made your best mate exhale a breath of pretend laughter just to make you feel better about yourself. You only wrote this so you can have everyone who is bored in your friends list speculate over your ‘You’ve been framed’ moment! Good form. Attention seeking level 4/5.

“My boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/whatever has just (insert boring as fuck ‘cute’ story here) They really are my soul mate… I feel so lucky.”

This is just a reminder to your friends and family that yes you’re still together with your other half because ya know… you need to continuously justify and confirm your relationship at least every other week because you’re under the illusion that people actually give a shit. When in reality you haven’t had sex in ages because you’d rather wear a onesie and watch 'Britain’s Got Talent' than let him/her touch you.

“Today has been horrendous. I am so sad right now. *Sad smiley face*”

Your quota for “please feel sorry for me because I’m an attention seeking whore” is not quite full for the day, so you’re testing your friends to see who will pull out the stops and ask you what’s wrong. I secretly hope nobody comments and you only get 1 like from a work colleague.

“I’m so annoyed that boot camp has been cancelled tonight! Ah well, I will just have to go for a 28 mile run instead! #fitnessisfun”

You need to reassure yourself and everyone else for that matter that you and your fat ass are keeping fit. Because heaven forbid you just have a workout and not tell anyone… because then what would be the point?! You also need to upload one of those 'before and after' pics everyone seems to be doing right now. Oh and of course not honey… you’re definitely not a dickhead for doing that.

“Life is good! Having all the LOLZ at (insert event/obscure place of interest here)”

Life is shit. If you were having all the fun you wouldn’t be desperately trying to enable your ‘locations’ settings on your phone so you can ‘check in’ and show off. You only want people to know you’re interesting and ‘wacky’ with the ability to venture outside your house… when in fact the only thing you’re looking forward to is refreshing your Facebook page every minute to see how many ‘likes’ you get.

Why do we do it? Why do we need constant reassurance and say ridiculous shit to gain people's approval? Your friend's already like you so stop trying so hard... and for those who don't... why do you even care?! It's like my buddy always tells me when I act like a dick and make wild dramatic proclamations like "nobody has even liked my status!"... "Shem get a fucking grip of yourself!" Facebook isn't real life... so quit living your life through 'likes'.

6 Ways To Never Ever Get Over Your Ex

Deciding to be Gay?