Bumping into your Ex – The Real Story

When it comes to those who may have casually ripped your heart out and stomped on it in a Riverdance styled frenzy, we tend to lie on how much they affected us/made us cry in public. You live, you learn and you build that bridge and get over it… but you sometimes annoyingly so, never forget them. You also may talk with much bravado when recalling the break-up to others. For example a friend a while ago said how breaking up with his ex was totally fine and how he came to peace with it very quickly. I then interjected with “so that breakdown you had in a dirty chicken shop on Tottenham Court Road was because you were ‘totally fine’ with the situation… right?!” Another friend is always banging on about how the past is the past and you need to expel all the bad vibes created from exes outta your life… she’s almost a pioneer if you will for “get the fuck over it already!” type exercises. Sentiment actually offends her! So how surprised was I when she told me she deleted ALL old emails from her inbox except the few remaining emails from her ex-boyfriends! Bitch please. So this got me thinking about exes and what happens when you do run into them. Your bravado says “I’m cool as feck” but your head is having a most excellent meltdown!

Fiction

You were pretty sure the ex wouldn’t be at this party. Oh what a surprise and my gosh what a small world we live in!

Fact

You knew full well they were gonna be there and you’re still gonna go despite your best attempt of wanting to be hit by a bus… so quit lying! You also have been dieting for a whole 2 days previous eating nothing but a cube of cheese so you can fit into one of the elegant but just slutty enough 27 outfits you have tried on.

Fiction

You feel so crazy, sexy, cool right now. You are the embodiment of a TLC song! Your body is smoking and your outfit is bang on trend, that everybody else feels hideously ugly around you.

Fact

You are far from evoking the vibe from a hot 90s RnB girl group. In fact you feel so shit that you could be Michelle from Destiny’s Child, also known as Beyonce’s backup singing.

Fiction

As soon as you walk into the room your ex will make a beeline for you and after complimenting you on your outfit you ‘just threw together’ they confess how they haven’t moved on and still think about you. You then jump in with assertion proclaiming how you’re a different person and have grown and it was best you went your separate ways.

Fact

Your ex hasn’t even noticed you walk in and couldn’t give a shit what you are wearing. You actually have to go over to them and re-introduce yourself because your name has just escaped them for a moment. Asshole.

Fiction

You find out that the ex hasn’t dated anyone since you broke up and this is because they can’t stop thinking about you. Perhaps in a few months when you’re both in the right place you can rekindle that romance.

Fact

Your ex started dated the night before you got the text to say you were dumped. Their Facebook relationship status has been insulting you all this time, as you use your best friend’s login details to stalk their page because you deleted them to make a point you can’t remember now. Thus commences your life of super fun times of being single forever and mauled to death by the 47 cats you now live with.

Fiction

You’re effortlessly charming and witty as hell! You haven’t lost it baby… your ex can’t stop staring at you as you regale them with story after story of the most amazing things you’ve been up to lately. Also exchanging memories on when you both were together whilst asking about their mum and the dog you loved is totally not awkward. You are winning!

Fact

You’re winning fuck all because your mind has gone blank as you try and blink back the tears you know are coming… heartbroken at the fact they haven’t kissed you yet! You don’t even remember the dog’s name.

Fiction

You really genuinely want them to be happy. You’re bigger and better than game playing and wanting to ruin their life with stalker-like tendencies. It feels nice to let shit go and for everyone to live happily ever after. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

Fact

Ok so you do want your ex to be happy especially if they were a good person deep down. You just want your life to be better than theirs! Don’t listen to those who say “it’s not a competition” because it is! And fuck that Kelly Clarkson song… you text your best friend when you get home “I feel like I’ve just died a slow painful death at the hands of a million pigeons shitting on me from above and flying away hysterically laughing” followed by all the sad emoticons you can find on your phone. You then drink a bottle of Pinot Grigio. And what?!

 

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