Once upon a time Facebook was a great way to keep in touch with old friends, stalk exes whilst secretly rejoicing that your life is better than theirs, and to upload the odd photo of fun times. However now we all know that it’s spiraled into a self-promoting keeping up with the Jones’ portal of shite full of weddings, babies and food pics. It’s a playground of political correctness, “please ‘like’ this page otherwise you’re an asshole with no heart” campaigns and a virtual soapbox to sound off about all the attention seeking crap nobody really cares about. I for one can complain about Facebook all day long but we all contribute to this weapon of mass destruction. The mere fact that I share my blog of pure rants on the social network is already a contradiction of my point! Conversation with my friend t’other night…
Me: If I ever turn into a massive dickhead craving for ALL the attention on Facebook please tell me!
Friend: Urmmm Shem… you write a moaning blog about shite and share that on Facebook.
Me: Ah. Yes. *stifles nervous laugh and hangs head in shame*
But will I still make this point… yes I fecking will!
Please be aware that I am not berating those who share genuine news worthy stuff. Like people falling over and really hurting themselves, randoms dancing at a bus stop or cute babies rocking a Bob Marley onesie! However it’s the braggers and ‘hey look at me’ characters out there who need a little word with themselves.
Some people live for likes. It’s like they measure their success and prowess by how many bored individuals click ‘like’ on their status ramble. I have come to realize that if you mention 3 things your ‘like’ tally will go bananas… 1) anything to do with your wedding, your marriage or your relationship with your totes perf hashtag amaze partner. “Date night with (insert whoever) I’m the luckiest person in the world… they complete me and I can’t live without them!” Fuck off. Tell them how awesome you feel not us, and stop trying to validate your relationship to all your friends and family. We get it… you have found ‘the one’. We’re happy you’re happy but you probably should know that we also don’t care. 2) anything to do with a pet. Upload a photo of your animal of choice and people lap that shit up! Unless your pet is dressed like a human or has smashed the shit outta an expensive vase that has been in the family for years… I’m not interested. Next! 3) something to do with your child blinking. Ya know… all the magical groundbreaking stuff no other kid in this world can do. See this is tricky. By not ‘liking’ anything baby related from your friends kinda makes you look like a douche. I’m all for congratulating and mustering up a smile within the depths of my soulless heart, but there are only so many times I can click the like button before I lose my shit altogether.
Facebook offers a false sense of self worth purely by way of ‘likes’. You’re putting your life out there for people to comment on and approve, and by ‘liking’ pointless uninteresting status’ about your ‘friends’ every movements, you’re simply fueling their ego. Help your friends stop believing their own hype and put a stop to sharing exaggerated lifestyles embellished with photos filtered within an inch of their life! I say revolt!
JOIN THE REVOLUTION!
You know who the main repeat attention seeking offenders are, so next time they are gagging for you to be their therapist and vying for your acknowledgment… ignore it. “OMG my boyfriend/husband just did the funniest thing!” Don’t ask why or carelessly hit ‘like’. (Insert name here) has just uploaded their dinner. Don’t you dare hover your finger over the ‘like’ button! You are congratulating someone over the fact that they made a sandwich. Screw them.
I know some people will argue that they only share things on Facebook because they are happy and want to spread their contentment with the world like HIV in the 80s. But I don’t buy it. You make certain things public because you want a reaction and have an image you wish to uphold. I’m happy but don’t feel the need to brag all day long and Instagram photos of me being soooo exhilarated I’m puking rainbows… and that’s what many of us are doing. It’s ugly and makes you look like a giant knob. We get you’re in love, have kids and indulge in an envious lifestyle… but is it necessary to tell us all the time? A bit of modesty and class if you please! Would you call up your mates and say without taking a breath “Hi I just think you should know that I had steak tonight for dinner after running 18 miles at the gym… oh and I know you were only at my wedding last week, but I’m still happily married AND I’m sending you a photo right now of us having sex ”. No you wouldn’t. And why… because in the grand scheme of things… nobody gives a flying fuck.
We’re turning into a nation of morons. Stop the epidemic.