5 Things Nobody Had The Decency To Tell You

Even though I often like to wear a skimpy tight green outfit, chuck a load of fairy dust in my face and proclaim I’m off to Neverland to fight pirates and swim with mermaids… I ain’t no Peter Pan and my ass is getting old. Ok not crypt keeper old... but close! It’s a strange time where I’m now deemed too old and juvenile to get pissed on a school night (still do) and expected to be in a stable relationship uploading pics of my wedding or my babies face onto Facebook (I’m not) I’m in a limbo state of trying to be grown up, but also refusing to at the same time because… well ya know… it sounds shit! There are things as you grow older you begin to realise that never crossed your mind when you were doing this whole getting older business... and I for one am furious nobody gave me the heads up! So here are five picks of things that are inevitable as you try to figure out your life. Good luck!

You actually have to work out and attempt to keep fit if you wanna stay looking good. Like who would’ve thought it?! Exercise as a youth consisted of playing. Running around like hooligans in the playground, playing WWF wrestling with your siblings on your parents bed and being made to do cross country running through fields… in the rain… at school like it was some fucking Rocky montage! But when you grow old enough and bold enough to tell your PE teacher to ram her fitness agenda up her ass, you take up bad habits like drinking, smoking and eating a large McChicken Sandwich meal with 6 chicken nuggets on the side. All of which just stay comfortably in your belly as you make no attempt to burn off the shit you just ate. Yummers.

You will get dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend for no real reason at all. Sorry to break it down for you but at some point in your dating life you will be shat on from a great height. Sometimes there are no explanations as to why some people are dickheads. They just are. One day you can be all loved up walking hand in hand down the street pissing off other pedestrians trying to get past you because you refuse to unlock your fucking hands, and then next of all you’re crying into your pint because your partner just doesn’t fancy you anymore. BUT it’s ok… because it’s not you… it’s just them. Phew. For a minute there I thought dumping me by text was some cowardly form of you being a giant prick. However now I know it’s your issue and not mine.

Friends will just disappear. This I find is the saddest of them all. You can be out drunk dancing, arms on shoulders screaming incoherent Britney Spears lyrics, and then suddenly your buddy you had so many fun memories with is no longer there. If they were a close mate then it will hurt for a while if not always leave you wondering “what the hell happened?” Sometimes drifting apart from a friend is harder than losing your significant other. Friends do come and go… and it pisses me off! But life will get in the way and interests change, you change. I mean nobody even likes Britney anymore right?!

Clothes and styles in fashion magazines will probably look shit on you! It’s true. Ooohh get a weave like Shaznay from All Saints they said… you will look hot and fierce they said… So why do I look like a man in drag! Sometimes you may be able to pull it off and then you can pretend you just threw that outfit together in a matter of minutes... rather than painstakingly trying on everything in Topshop and then be violently offended by the way you look in the mirror. Baz Luhrmann once said “do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly.” And boy was he right…

You are not guaranteed the job of your dreams or any job for that matter after college or university. I spent 3 years at university and all I came away with was extra weight, inside knowledge on areas to avoid in popular gay club Popstarz unless you want to be subjected to a live sex show… and a degree that didn’t really mean a lot. Uni was probably the best time of my life thus far, but after graduating I went travelling, came home and got a job as a Christmas temp in customer services where I subsequently stayed for nearly 3 years. Living the dream yo! My degree was media based and I wasn’t that naïve to think I would be on telly, but somewhere in the industry wouldn’t have hurt. But no, it didn’t really work out that way and it didn’t for many of my friends in the same predicament. A certificate to show you turned up to lectures occasionally and made notes doesn’t equate to anything in the real world unless you have experience. You will get there though if you really wanna get your shit together… but as a fresh faced 21 year old with little or no knowledge of the world of employment, be prepared to work a few shifts in your local music store as you claw your way to where you really wanna be!

Now everybody raise your hand if you feel suicidally depressed...!

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Idealistically speaking