So apparently if I look back on my life thus far, I should have realized I was gay from the get go! In fact I should have been delivered to my parents by that weird bird stork thing wrapped in a rainbow flag, wearing comfortable shoes and using an Ikea catalog as a soother. But alas growing up I was oblivious to the ‘signs’ and continued lusting over boys I already knew I would never have sexual relations with right up until I flirted with the gay lifestyle at uni... and had a big gay meltdown! Isn’t hindsight a marvelous thing…
When I was about 11 I met a girl on holiday in Tenerife (who later turned out to be part of a famous girl band in the 90s! Yes I’m still plugging that shit!) We got on amazingly well and spent all our time together… Oh and the only reason I was insanely jealous of her boyfriend was because ‘he wasn’t treating her right.’ At 11 years old I could identify what was and wasn’t a healthy relationship!! Orrrrr I just was straight up jealous I was not receiving any French kisses from my new BFF! When she left to go home a few days before my family, I was so miserable and cried real tears. I just missed my new best friend… NOTHING to do with how I always thought she looked so cool in her blue United Colours of Bennetton t-shirt and pink cycling shorts. *sigh*
At school I pretty much had an indescribable crush on all my girl mates. I just thought it meant we were really really good friends no? So yes, if we were friends from the ages of roughly 10 to 18, I probably wanted to hold your hand and sometimes kiss your face. Soz! Of course this was masked with random hook ups with guys and probably encouraged my binge drinking from the ages of 14 to 30. Super.
When I watched the ground breaking Channel 4 lesbian kiss on Brookside, I became obsessed with Anna Friel the actress who played the lesbo Beth Jordache (Jesus I still remember the name and spelling without Googling it!) I had a sticker of her from Smash Hits magazine that I stuck on my diary… but added Zack from Saved by the Bell and Shane from Home and Away as stealth “I’m totally straight!” backup devices. The anti-gay police/my parents will never suspect a thing damn it!
On holiday with a friend when I was 17 I ended up getting far too intimate with a bloke on the dance floor in a club. Destiny’s Child ‘Bootylicious’ came on and I turned into a slut! Grinding like a nasty cheap back up dancer on Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty video. The next day I felt continuously sick at the thought of being so close to male genitalia but had no idea why. I probably drank too much alcohol right… oh and touched too much penis.
Every time my friends and I played ‘mummies and daddies’ at school or ‘The Caravan Game’ which was some role playing bullshit I never quite understood in the playground (where we lived in a house and not a caravan)… I was always the dad or older brother. This meant I had a wife and or a girlfriend and that was totally fine. Later on at a sleepover with the same girls I used to play this game with, I was nearly outted as a scary lesbian! I obviously deflected this by accusing a friend of homosexual tendancies "ewww... do you fancy me or something?!" and confessed my love for Peter Andre’s abs. Totally not gay. Not at all… no sir not me.