So apparently Valentines Day is fast approaching and although I find the whole occasion pretty pointless because I’m bitter and unloved, I still can’t help but bury my head a little and avoid the fact that this made up day of love feels like a giant spotlight on my unused vagina! Mostly being single is totally fine and I can function quite contently on a day to day basis. Like I know… Imagine! Being single can actually be fun! I’m one of those people where a relationship doesn’t define me and I don’t need to update my Facebook status on how amazing my partner is. Well… until I’m menstruating, watching Bridget Jones and realising my life sucks harder than hers!
However sometimes yes it’s an odd sensitive subject but that’s usually when people (usually those judgmental couples who are just… ya know… high on the true fucking essence of being in love!) say stupid shit to me. The kind of probing questions and statements that make me feel hideously inadequate for flying solo. So FYI mother suckers, here are 6 things you really shouldn’t say to a single person unless you want to see just how real shit REALLY can get!
“Soooo… how’s the love life going?”
This usually pertains to relatives and friends I haven’t chatted to for a wee while. Either way… shut the fuck up or I will cut you. By asking singles this very simple question you are forcing us to actually think about our love life that is currently devoid of all meaning. This question is just far too real and it’s like opening Pandora’s Box full of irrational aggression and hours of uncontrollable crying whilst eating McDonalds.
“Why are you single?”
Now I understand that this can be said with good intentions as in you’re so very surprised how a catch like me can be single… right?! I mean come on… I’m a hoot! And if you stand back a little, squint ever so slightly… oh and pretend I’m a completely different person, I totally look hot! But again this question just wants me to extend my arm ever so slightly and punch you square in the face. Why am I single you say? Why are you such a prick?! I don’t bloody know! I just am. And because that isn’t a valid enough reason, single folk are then left to over analyse and blame themselves for being so impossible to love. So best to just not engage in this type of chat. Thanks.
“You just need to put yourself out there.”
Put myself out where?!!! Do pray tell of this magical ‘there’ place for me to put myself! You have no idea what I am and am not doing to display my singleness to the world. So take your regurgitated wisdom spouted from The Ricki Lake Show in the 90s and ram it up your hole! This statement can be coupled with the next annoying comment…
“Maybe you just need a good shag?!”
No. This is never something a single person wants to hear… ever. Asking a singleton this question is like asking a disabled person in a wheelchair if they miss the use of their legs. It’s just rude! It also highlights all the other negative reasons as to why exactly you are not riding everything that moves right now. Usually those in relationships say this and it’s like they have completely forgotten how it was when they were on their own because they’ve morphed into smug assholes.
“You’re just too fussy.”
Oh because that’s right. I’m single because my criteria for a date are so intrinsically complex that I’m doomed. Let me just share my criteria with you now…
- Does she have a heartbeat
- Do I fancy her
- Will she judge me when I get drunk and dance like a dickhead
Yep, my checklist is pretty intense I know! Just because I may not fancy and then proceed to French kiss in public every person who may show interest towards me, doesn’t mean I’m fussy. It just means I’m not a whore… and I’m fine with that.
“If you’re still single by (insert non offensive age here) I’ll marry you!”
Happy fucking days! Your sweet, selfless and oh so heroic words have given me hope that I will not live out my days as a spinster with a fossilized womb. Thank you oh so much for making this decision for me and saving me from dying alone as my 72 cats take it in turns to gnaw at my corpse on the kitchen floor. Saying this to a single person is only acceptable if a) you’re so hot I wanna lick you and b) you mean it! Because honey I will tie you into a contract something crazy! However on the whole, offering yourself to your single buddy who is quite happy chilling on their own and is not a fan of marriage anyways… just will make them feel pretty pathetic.