Airport & Plane Rage

Why are people at airports dickheads and why those who board planes assholes?! I often include myself in this analogy. I’ve ranted about this before but recently I've frequented airports an excessive amount of times in the last few months and I’m over it! Granted it’s my fault for living away from family and friends BUT why are members of the public incapable of conducting themselves in a normal fucking manner when departing the country on an aircraft?!

I usually always get stopped by security. They hate my face and I hate their machines! The machines which makes a beep sound every time I pass through the metal detector thingy. I automatically think I am smuggling large quantities of heroin in my anus and start acting shifty as hell. Of course you act all nonchalant when you’re asked to step to the side for a pat down because you don’t want THEM to smell your fear. But inside I’m not so secretly shitting myself convinced my tub of moisturising coco butter purchased from Boots, will be tested and identified as a stealth bomb device. But I digress… Why is it that the security people have no sense of humour… like none! Yes take your job very seriously if you want… but any need to grab hold of my bra straps pinging them at will, just to check I’m not concealing any samurai swords in my tits! The last time a lady did this to me I giggled because close encounters with strangers makes me nervous, and her response to my nervous laugh as she slid her hand underneath my right breast “I’m not loving this as much as you are!” RUDE!! But of course I was not nearly as quick or witty enough to ya know… spit in her face and call her a lesbian… so I laughed again and pulled up my underwear.

Some guy in Birmingham who was border police or whatever the name is for someone who can’t get a real job, confiscated my passport on landing a couple of months ago. Pulling me out of the queue like a naughty schoolgirl (who committed the awful crime of getting off a plane like everyone else) and shouting very intimidatingly in my face “have you ever been arrested before?” and “what’s your problem!” This was in response to when I got all brave (and instantly regretted) giving him a little sample of my angry Black woman tongue! However it’s funny how when you’re asked very straight forward questions by authority that you forget your own name, age and address due to panic. The scary policeman only asked me my age and I wanted to say 26!! Twenty fucking six?!! Yeah sure that's how old I am... 4 years ago! I have no idea why that popped into my head! So in fairness just lock me up already because I’m clearly a liar! I was pretty traumatised by the whole thing and cried all the way to my hotel in the cab. That was until the cab driver who was an Asian man told me his story of how he was point blank asked at an American airport “are you associated with Al Qaeda?!” He won. So I shut the hell up making it all about me.

It’s not just employees of airports who enjoy making my life difficult, it’s over enthusiastic passengers who need to calm down and know their place. Like there are rules for plane time, especially on long haul flights. These mainly consist of thus…

  1. When you have found your seat, sort your shit out and sit the fuck down… pronto. Ain’t nobody got time for you having chats in the aisle or casually taking your jacket off whilst I try to refrain from not punching you in the crotch. This also applies for disembarking the aircraft. We’ve just been travelling for 9 hours so move bitch… get out the way!
  2. Listen buddy… this ain’t first class so why are you stretching out onto my side of the seat! Keep all your crap in your designated area and no it’s not ok for you to rest your head on my shoulder.
  3. If I’m travelling solo and I have an aisle seat, families and couples do not approach me and guilt me into switching to a shit middle seat so y’all can sit together and hold hands! You snooze you lose.

See it’s simple. Stick to the rules and nobody gets hurt. Airport drama and flying… pissing me off since the 90s!

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