People You Should Never Be Friends With

There are just some people you should never be friends with. Not because you’re a mean spirited person or because you have some crazed inner desire to be an asshole shunning those who in your eyes are not worthy of your friendship… but because there are unwritten laws. I like to call these ‘laws’ common fucking sense. The brutal fact of the matter is, we’re not all mates. It’s impossible to like everyone enough to wanna hang out with them and screech about the latest episode of Glee, whether your bum looks awesome in that dress or to generally be horrendously rude with passing it off as 'banter'. However I am talking about people you should never be friends with for the sake of your sanity, well-being and the equilibrium of your chi.

Your Parents

Yes yes there’s no doubt in my mind you’ve got love for those special people who brought you into this world and reared you, but you cannot be friends with your mum and dad. Fact. There are lines people! I’m very close to my mother to the point of speaking to her everyday on the phone so she knows I’m still alive. We get on great! We laugh, we bitch, we tell each other how our day went… but I do not then bang on about how I had a fanny flutter over some hot piece of ass that skipped by me at lunch. Inappropriate my friends! Your parents are just that… parents. You may have PG rated banter with them, but they can also discipline you and reduce you to a misbehaving childish brat within seconds. They also have warped expectations of you that I’m pretty sure they dreamt up whilst watching a Disney movie, (My mum still thinks I’m gonna marry ‘a nice Christian boy’) and so regaling them with tales of your personal life reserved for your besties and stories starting “this one time whilst experimenting with ketamine in an S&M club” will go down like a giant sack of shit. When parents say “you know you can tell me anything right?” Do not take this literally. They mean tell them anything that won’t make them wish they aborted you.

Your Boss

I used to work for a company in London where it was exactly like school. We were all great mates and getting up to work each morning was like a day at nursery! Glorious. There was drama, there were fights, there was playground bullying and standard office romances! It was fab we all were friends, but being mates with the boss was ridiculous. When we’re all out drinking and having all the fun it’s fabulous times… until you get into work the next day and your boss tries to make you actually work! Like what the hell is his problem?! How very dare my friend/the boss who was sharing my kebab with me last night, shout at me for not answering the phone because I’m playing darts and Beyonce just came on the radio. It’s a blurry line and a recipe for disaster. Just keep a healthy distant, but not so much of a distant that you come off like a twat and everyone begins to hate you for being weird. Just don’t become too involved in being BFFs and merge your professional life with your social life. It's just too awkward trying to pull a sicky when your boss is a friend who knows you are just insanely hungover.

The Ex

This is a no brainer but for many it always seems like a stellar idea to attempt this fake friendship with an ex. Friends with your ex you say… sure! Sounds like a superb idea… said no one ever. I tried it… against everyone’s best judgment. It effectively dragged out a bad break up for an extra year that was totally unnecessary and my own fault. After splitting up with your significant other the notion of “lets still be friends” is thrown out there because sometimes deep down nobody is ready to let shit go just yet. However sometimes the friendship card is thrown out there because the person doing the dumping is a prick and just feels sorry for you. Either way, reject the offer ASAP or just don’t ever suggest it! You can’t be mates after a break up and those who say you can are lying or never really gave a damn about each other. One of two things will happen if you try this bullshit matey thing way too prematurely… 1) you will fall back into the comfortable zone and probably have sex confusing the situation just a little more. Fun. For about 5 minutes after you've climaxed and begin to cry. Orrrr 2) you really do become just friends which is never going to be good enough when you’re still desperately in love. Either way… you’re fucked and someone’s heart is still going to be in bits. Give it time and let the emotions chill the hell out allowing the memories to turn from pure rage to a resemblance of fondness. Only then can you attempt to be friends… or simply continue being strangers who once had something in common.

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