The Inevitability of New Year's Eve

It’s nearly New Year and although some of you will be as giddy as a crazy person on MDMA and Haribos, others like myself have a tendency to roll our eyes and protest far too much on how much New Year’s Eve is an anti-climax! Why.... because we're miserable cynical assholes who enjoy squeezing the fun out of life. So in order to enjoy this last day of the year… here are a few tips and “hell nos!” to abide by in order to see in 2014 with a most glorious high five and not puke in your hair.

These 5 things WILL most definitely happen:

Someone will cry and this could be you! Saying goodbye to a new year and welcoming another is a time when everyone feels the need to get all reflective and weep silently/drunkenly. Orrrr your best mate is shit faced and a massive emotional mess who needs to be put to bed.

You end up breaking to the power of peer pressure and buy expensive tickets to an ‘exclusive’ hipster decadent party which causes a financial aneurysm. Whats that... can't eat for the next month... sounds awesome! Sign my poverty stricken ass up!

You’re told the tickets are sold out and you’re one of the lucky ones to get the last ticket… to then rock up on the night to a half empty venue and ordinary Joes buying tickets on the door. AND the little schmucks are wearing trainers when the dress code strictly stated ‘sexy and classy.’

The DJ insists on playing shite whilst casually ignoring your constant drunken slurs of a request for Lady GaGa, Nicki Minaj and Rihanna.

You have a deep and meaningful with a stranger in the toilets about how “it’s all about 2014!” when you’re fairly confident it won’t be.

Tips for having a fab NYE:

Don’t cry! Listen… we’ve all just had a little bit to drink and you feel a little overwhelmed right now! Nothing is wrong except you’re ruining everyone else’s night with your whinging. Man the fuck up… no tears before bedtime.

Keep shit simple! Stay where the party is at even if the party is in your kitchen next to the microwave. One year I was having immense fun at an impromptu house party with friends until we decided to venture outside… and then it was all panic attacks, fights, tears and wannabe gangsters trying to sell us heroin. Don’t try so hard to make the night epic… as this may result in an epic fail.

And my last fine tip which will be ignored along with the rest of this post… Don’t get so wasted you lose your mates and end up seeing in the new year on your own... Drunk, confused and pissed off!

Have a smashing New Year’s Eve you fabulous folk you and roll on 2014… same shit different year!

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