A Letter From A Homophobic To A Homosexual

To my second class citizen queer,

Hi! How are you? Things with my ‘straight is great’ family are just super right now. How’s your fruitless and non-conformist illicit affair with your partner of 12 years going? I mean I get you’re in love blah blah, own a home together and host truly exquisite house parties with mimosa’s in crystal glasses, but when are you gonna get out of this phase?

I’m just not sure you have thought this through. Although I am not a Christian, do not believe in God and spend most evenings drunk to numb the pain of life, I am pretty sure the Bible says you can’t bump uglies. It’s totally unnatural and I’m slightly worried your gayness will rub off on my kids when you enthusiastically wave at them across the road. Yes you’re being polite and nice… but you’re still gay so anything you do is pretty offensive. They’re just not old enough to understand this complex issue and your secret faggy superpowers you actively force upon everyone... by minding your own business, can confuse them.

I am aware the laws are changing to allow your kind to marry but I think this takes the sanctity of marriage to another level. A level where I’m told by astute closet homosexuals, that you will go to hell. So when it comes to voting for this total endorsement of a human right, I will deny you this because your sexuality and private life somehow affects me. I know it’s not a competition and a relationship based on the true essence of love should not be maimed null and void by self-appointed bigots… but your kinda love is kinda gross… so my love is better. I win at life!

And as for having kids of your own… no. Surely not. I really think all normal heterosexual folk should deny you this too and not just because your kids will clearly be cuter than mine. The mere thought of you adopting a child who would adore growing in a nurturing environment with two people who love them, is simply outrageous! AND perverted! Yeah I said it! I heard that word used by the nice folk of Westboro Baptist Church. They seem fun and totally rational with their attitude towards homosexuality.

Anyways, I have to go now as I’m all tuckered out from inciting hate and bullying you because you love differently to me. We will catch up at your BBQ you kindly invited me to next week and I have a hilariously offensive joke to tell you about a black guy! But it’s ok… don’t panic… I’m not racist because you know how liberal I am. Plus I have that one black friend at work who I never speak to.

Toodles, your destructive homophobic neighbour.


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