10 Things From Your Youth That Never Get Old

Growing up sounds shit. Don’t grow up they say because it’s a trap and it’s true! You spend your entire youth wishing you were older so you can get to do all these ‘super cool things’ childhood negates. And then whilst you’re reading TV Hits Magazine and swooning over Drazic in Heartbreak High… SHAZAM you’re an adult and you realize being a grown ass person is bullshit! I still am under the grand illusion that I’m 17 avoiding responsibility as effectively as I’ve avoided heterosexuality! However the only thing that reminds me that I’m in my thirties are 3 day hangovers after one glass of wine, and when I say “I wish the DJ will play some cheesy chart music!” on a night out… and by that I mean pop music… from my iPod…circa 1994.

Although we may all be getting on a bit… there are certain things that will never ever change no matter how old your sorry ass is!


Happy meals at McDonald’s! Or any kid food in fact that fills you with joy because in your head it’s cute and small so it’s just a harmless little snack. You’re also too busy eating delicious dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets to notice how you’re ingesting the blended entrails of a chicken’s arse hole.


Sleepovers with your mates! There’s still something quite special with a cheeky unsupervised slumber party. Watching shite telly, eating a share size bag of Doritos… but not sharing… AND necking a bottle of cheap wine as an effective sleeping aid.


Making spectacular art and craft stuff you’ve found on the internet and have convinced yourself that you can pull it off Blue Peter style. You can’t… but you glitter bomb the crap outta it and add dry macaroni all the same.


Being home alone to do what you like… when you like… without the constraints of underwear!


Snow… or more to the point… having days off work because of the snow! Nothing is more beautiful than calling in sick because you’re ‘snowed in’… but you manage to leave your gaff to take enough dreamy snowy pics to put on Facebook.


NAPS! The significance of napping was lost on us as kids and we rebelled against the parental unit like the little shits we were! But now a little midday snooze is essential to not wanting to stab people for interrupting nap time.


Playing silly games like truth or dare or who would you rather shag out of X and Y if they were the last person on earth… and you had herpes… and your house was on fire! I played this recently with my best friend and it was great fun… until I ruined it by taking it into the realms of incest. We immediately stopped playing. It was funny in my head I swear!


The excitable buzz of going to theme parks! Until you realize you no longer can stomach being thrown around on rides even though the giddy 9 year old inside of you seems to think you can.


Telling your parents exciting news like your new promotion at work or how you’ve saved on your car insurance… then basking in the glory of being truly awesome. We never tire of trying to make our parents proud… because we’re still attention seeking schmucks!


Tea parties with your besties! However fizzy pop and Mr Kipling cakes have been elegantly substituted for cocktails, a wheat free, gluten free, fun free, vegetarian dish and renamed drunk brunch.


The Evolution of Self

A Letter From A Homophobic To A Homosexual