Now I love a good moan. In fact this entire blog is made up of my one woman quest of elegantly erecting my middle finger to the world. You see… I like to lull you into a false sense of thought provoking subject matter, but then hurl a few obscenities around with delightful incidents and sexual innuendos to illustrate a random point I’m usually bored of by paragraph 2. But I digress... sometimes there are certain things in life we need to stop complaining about because ain’t nobody got time for that.
One – The Weather
If you live in the UK or Ireland or anywhere that basically isn’t a tropical island… the weather is gonna be shocking 99% of the time. That 1% is just global warming gone wild. So stop crying when the behavior of the weather is the only reliable and consistent thing in your life right now.
Two – Mondays
Everyone hates Mondays. I often post HILARIOUS memes about how Monday makes me want to poke my eyes out with cold blunt objects… BUT Mondays are just a normal regular day of the week. It is your job that is a giant sack of shit. The same job that signals the death of a weekend and the Sunday night fear. Monday is but an innocent bystander so stop blaming it.
Three – Free WiFi
Or perhaps the lack of free WiFi to be precise. Some of us including myself believe it’s our God given right to be constantly online and for someone else to be bankrolling that shit! Oh and if the connection is slow… then the pretty lady on reception who is only working part time to fund her university education AND who is fresh outta fucks to give… will be the target of my passive aggressiveness.
Four – Public Transport
Living in London for years taught me many things and one of them was to internalize and suppress my anger for when a fallen leaf on the tracks meant delayed trains, planes and automobiles. Unless you leave your house a week before your planned arrival time, then your commute will always be screwed. Shit public transport is as predictable as a glitter related injury at gay club… so your whinging has no power here.
Five – People Not Saying What You Want To Hear
Most of the time when someone asks you your opinion on ANYTHING it’s a trap. Also willingly giving your opinion is dangerous. I’ve learnt this well especially in Ireland where Irish girls like to distort everything you say and use it against you! “Oh you look nice!” will warrant a vicious attack of “What the hell does that mean you pervert?! Are you slagging me! This dress only cost €8 in Penneys/Primark!” Equally so, if someone asks you “Do you like the colour blue?” or “What do you fancy for dinner?” be aware that your answer is probably wrong or it was just the way you said it! If you didn’t want my thoughts… then don’t Hulk out when I tell you. Simples.