I’m so bipolar when it comes to the subject of Facebook. One minute I love it as it allows me to post crude but oh so hilarious shite on my friend’s wall… and then only mere moments later I want to rip Mark Zuckerberg’s head off for giving my ‘friends’ rights to wreck my newsfeed with bullshit. And if you are a smug little “Oh I’ve deleted my account and my life has just flourished with the benefits!” type of person, whilst sipping champagne… on your yacht… having meaningless but fabulous sex with hot South American underwear models… you can do one. Well done you and Namaste mother sucker! I know Facebook is the root of all evil… but I would rather complain about it than actually remove myself. Baby steps…
So you know it, I know it… even my mother whose technological know-how goes as far as finding the on button on a scientific calculator knows it… Facebook is turning us all into dickheads… and this is why…
You find yourself getting insanely and often irrationally angry when you get the notification ‘Blah blah has tagged you in 346 photos.’ And these are just not any photos… these are photos of you looking like dog shit where you were attempting to smile but the camera went off too soon so you now look like Sloth from the Goonies. You see back in the day ugly pics were taken and yes they existed… but we didn’t display them for all to see. And we also didn’t have cameras permanently at the ready. We had Boots disposable cameras and nobody knew how to use a scanner.
You have no desire or obligation in remembering important dates… such as birthdays. Before Facebook I knew all my best friend’s birthdays and the date of a party or random get together. However now I can be so amazingly self-absorbed that I only need to think about me, myself and I because Facebook prompts me on every arsing thing that is going on in everybody’s life. Gone are the days of calling my mate to sing happy birthday down the phone. Oh no no… now I just scroll through their page and pick out the things worthy of note and leave a generic happy birthday message with a smiley face feeling like the best friend in the world… ever.
You scrutinise and judge people for all their life choices and all their future endeavours, which subsequently lead to hate. If like me you are a cynical asshole then Facebook is a constant battle of pretending to care by being ‘nice’ and vehemently hating self-promoting status updates. Whether it’s people telling me what they ate for dinner, the TV show they absolutely love or a ‘hilarious’ story about their partner who nobody gives a shit about but you give a pity ‘like’ to anyway… We all judge and we will usually hold this against each other.
You pretend not to know things when you bloody well know EVERYTHING because you spent your Sunday morning stalking like a ninja. We’ve all perfected that ‘Oh really?’ surprised face when friends have regaled us with news in person, as we stifle the fact that we knew that 14 hours previous. However this is necessary, as if we interrupted everybody’s conversations with “Yes I know this already” we literally would have jack shit to talk about hence making it awkward for all involved.
You casually forget to actually talk to those you really do care about. Writing on someone’s wall ‘I miss you sooooo much xxxxxxxxxx’ is just about adequate to make you feel like you are putting enough effort into the friendship without any effort at all. We can interact with fake kisses and high fives whilst sleeping soundly at night knowing that we have invested the correct amount of attention in people we call our real friends. (Acquaintances don’t count… they are just randoms who make me look popular) Facebook provides a comfortable cloak of feeling loved without the whole dastardly and messy picking up a phone business. Winner.
So raise your hand if you’re a dickhead… yeah I see you!