Horror Movies Ruin Everything


The other night I scared myself shitless. Living on your own and being unnecessarily frightened of every damn thing doesn’t help either. I thought I heard someone in my own living room! So as any normal sane 30 year old woman would do, I grabbed my bottle of DKNY perfume… snuck through another door (for the element of surprise obviously) and then realized it was just the rain and I’m a giant dickhead. Like what would I have actually done if someone was there?! Thrown the bottle of perfume at them in some lame attempt at self defence! However this ridiculous display of irrational thinking got me… well… thinking. Horror movies have ruined not just my ability to have a clear head in a non situation, but also plain old every day objects, people and situations…

Mirrors

You are now unable to look over your shoulder when staring into a mirror because you know there will be some psycho killer or demon staring right back at you. Especially if you have those clever little bathroom cabinets where one minute it’s just your reflection, you open the cabinet to reach for your prescription pills to accompany your vodka… and then when you close the door… oh look! Now there’s a man in a mask wielding a machete. And don’t forget how ‘awesome’ mirrors are when they steam up. Great for ghosts to scribble death threats whilst you lather your body in tea tree shower gel. Steamy mirrors are like the Etch-a-Sketch for the criminally insane and monsters summoned from hell!

Night vision

Why is it when watching a film in night vision mode, you know someone is gonna get it! If you select this on your camera you are inviting crazies into your life because how will you truly know your body is being possessed and potentially dragged out of bed…

Children

Another reason we should all just say no! Kids laughter is not cute. Neither is a child reciting a nursery rhyme. And if your sweet little cherub tells you about their imaginary friend… get your shit together and run like the wind! “Oh is that a picture you drew of me? How lovely… but why is mummy being lynched from a tree?!” Yeah that’s right, children with crayons are also scary as hell.

Old people

These crazy characters are just as bad as children. Innocent and fragile and wouldn’t harm a fly you say? Well watch yourself when they’re cursing you and your family with voodoo magic for not offering your seat on the bus. Don't piss old people off! Or at least try and remedy the problem by offering them a Werther's Original before they summon the devil to drag your ass to hell.

Back seat of cars

You all do it when driving solo at night! And if you don’t then you haven’t been subjected to nearly enough urban myths about serial killers escaping from prison and hiding in the back of your car. Usually when you've popped to the petrol station and the unknown serial liller has just casually crept into the back. Google it now… it’s so much fun and really heightens your enthusiasm for driving at night.

The necessity of having a wall behind you

Nothing says ‘hey look at my vulnerable self’ more than having your back to an open space. Why… because obviously someone or thing is behind you and everyone can see this but you. Well, until it’s far too late and you’re dead. Backs to the walls people and nobody gets hurt.

Any Black person when shit does go down!

Basically if you’re Black and it’s a scary scenario… you’re fucked. You may pass ‘Go’ and you may collect £200 for being such a gullible fool to think splitting up from a group that consists of young hot White teenagers was a great idea.

 

 

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