Technology. It's crap but I love it!


Once upon a time, long long ago… normal folk like you and I would indulge our senses with fanciful and often ridiculous conversations, where when a question was posed and we didn’t know the answer… we would simply sit back and say “I don’t know.” Like imagine! Nobody pulled out their iPhone or smart phone weapon of choice and Googled the answer, and nobody went onto Facebook to compose a status asking their fake friends opinions on the matter. And guess what… back in the day when nobody knew the answer to “oh what’s that film Meryl Streep was in… you know the one where she masturbates?” …we actually would be content in the knowledge that nobody knew what the fuck was going on and simply got on with our lives.

We have become so lazy and reliant on technology that I guarantee one day the machines are gonna revolt just like Terminator, and casually kill us all with their bare hands that obviously turn into machine guns… True story.

The thing is I say all this with a ‘fight the techno power’ militant fist in the air… but I also nearly cried when I was on holiday recently and I was unable to get WiFi in my room! Like get a grip Shem. You’re in a tiny town in India that does resemble a scene from Terminator Salvation, with cows aimlessly walking down the road and grown men shitting in the streets… and you want WiFi in your room. Sure. In fact just get all the grips you can find, sit down and have a word with yourself. I’m the laziest person I know and if there isn’t an app for that then I’m just not interested. And why the hell have I not got a hover board yet?! ‘Back to the Future’ had foreseen this shit since the 80s, but I’m still waiting for flying cars. Unbelievable.

I understand that times are forever changing and evolving, and I’m not that much of a dickhead/hipster to refuse to use and own expensive tech because it’s a slur and insult to all the lovely retro shite from yesteryear… BUT I do think that our brains are slowly degenerating due to relying on machines and technology. A few months ago I downloaded an app to manage my finances because I have no concept of money. I have used this app the grand total of... twice. 1 to install it and play around with it, and 2 to uninstall it because I hadn’t a fucking clue how to use it. Just use a bloody calculator and stop being an asshole!

I dare you to switch off Facebook, your phone or laptop for a day, a week perhaps and see how long it takes you to cry.

And then you can tell me all about it. 

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