The Awkwardness of Affectionate Embraces

 

You see I’m big on hugs. Drunk hugs are obviously the best and mandatory, but I’m talking sober greetings shared with everyone and anyone! Nothing quite brightens my day than thrusting my boobs into one and all for some good time huggy loving! Amongst my nearest and dearest it’s a pre-requisite to being my friend. There doesn’t have to be a reason… just wrap your mutha suckin’ arms around me and indulge in the forced love. And I’m not talking about those weak ass hugs as if you’re handling me like a museum artefact… I want a bear hug. Bosom to bosom, crotch to crotch. I want to see the indentation of your boobs and penis in my outer garments when we are done. JUST HOLD ME!!!! My best friend hates hugs. The thought of ‘unnecessary’ physical contact disgusts her! So what have I done as a compromise to our friendship… because I am so fecking reasonable…? Ignore her angry protests and continue to hug the shit outta her anyways. You WILL love me whether you like it or not.

However I do understand there are certain rules and social etiquette when it comes to embracing certain people. I’m pretty sure that I have just painted a glorious sleazy picture of myself enjoying some sort of sexual assault on my friends and taking pleasure in dry humping… but that’s not entirely true. I do often find that meeting a friend of a friend for the first time is pretty awkward. Like what do you do?! For girls you can go in for the fake kiss on the cheek which misses their face completely so it’s just a rubbish air kiss daaaarling… ORRRR you can stand there and sort of wave from a distance and say “hi” out loud #cringe… ORRRRR you can be rather serious and go for the good old fashioned firm handshake. I personally find the handshake to be odd. Like we’re not at an interview or accepting a sports day certificate in assembly so why are we being so formal?! I tend to go in for an embrace of sorts and then watch the other person freak out not knowing how to take me. Some may frown upon this and consider the approach too forward… I then may consider you to be an asshole.

Another cringe-tastic moment when greeting someone is trying to figure out how many kisses to give them and trying to coordinate this manoeuvre so you don’t smash faces because you both decided to lean in the same way. I can’t and don’t know whether it’s one or two kisses. Every time I go in for one smooch on the cheek and recoil away, the recipient then goes for a second and I’m left giggling like a school girl and making some unfunny joke about how “flamboyant” and “continental” they are. Like just shut up Shem. And then when I switch it up and think “ah sure this particular person is gonna just LOVE two kisses from me"… they then fuck it up and move away after one kiss and I’m left looking like a keen prick! Someone just needs to make a rule, circulate some literature and create an ad campaign so we all know where we stand.

Somewhere within this ramble of words I’m sure there is a point. Like if we all squint a little and stare at the page… and then move ever so slightly away like a magic eye picture… something awesome and profound will jump out! Right?!

 

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