If a movie was made about my life I would like Megan Fox to play me or perhaps Jessica Ennis. I also would like to have an Irish accent. This is purely because The Fox and Ennis are fit… and if the Irish accent was an actual person… I would French kiss it and touch it up a little. However lets keep it real… you know Whoopi Goldberg would play me! Unfortunately my life is not remotely interesting enough to be made into a cinematic masterpiece. However I’m pretty sure Bridget Jones was moulded on my life. But alas it did get me thinking about films and how ridiculous some of the concepts are. Yes I understand they are made for our viewing pleasure so we can feel better about our mere mortal existence… and I can (sometimes) distinguish between real life and Disney…
BUT if ‘real life’ was made into a movie, the following would/would never happen…
The Black person wouldn’t die first! Yes that’s right bitches… The token Black man or woman in the film would actually be the only person left standing when the credits roll, because we wouldn’t be dumb enough to get ourselves into stupid situations. Oh you want me to go and investigate a strange noise coming from the basement… No! Why? Because 2 things would happen… I will either have my arm ripped off by a dinosaur or I’ll get blamed! Keep your Black ass still and safe or take yourself on a sweet little holiday away from your densely populated neighbourhood where teenage White folk are getting murdered.
For all those who believe in a good old rom-com… There would be no last minute reconciliation at the airport/train station/altar after the love of your life sacks you off and then decides a little later at their own convenience that they made a horrible mistake and want you back! Yes that’s right Julia Roberts! I don’t care if you’re just a girl… standing in front of a boy… asking him to love you again!! What generally would happen is the love of your life will marry the wrong person… they will force themselves to love them out of obligation and guilt… and you’ll get over it. The end.
If you think you’re one of those types who have been looking for love in all the wrong places… You will not all of a sudden realise that ‘the one’ is your life long best mate who has had a makeover. Why? Because no amount of GHD loving, MAC wearing makeup miracle or skinny jeans is gonna stop you from feeling weird that your best mate is the same sex as you… and you’re not gay. But if this is a boy-girl heterosexual friendship then sure it can happen… but that’s only because one of you secretly fancies the other anyways.
Are you one of those insane individuals who believes that childbirth is beautiful or that your child is in fact delivered by the stork bird thing like in Dumbo?! Sorry to break it down for you… but when you give birth it’s not a miracle like the baby Jesus (which for the record was an elaborate lie/Chinese whisper gone horribly wrong, in order to conceal the fact that Mary was hooking up with other Jewish carpenters!) and you do not look like a glowing angel… well maybe the angel of death. Your makeup is not flawless you big sweaty mess of a woman, and your new-born looks kinda gross covered in shit… quite literally.
If you are a lady and home alone waiting for the serial killer to pop by for a cuppa/to slit your throat, you are not wearing a party outfit. Your hair looks like the mane of Mufasa, you’re not wearing any makeup or a bra so your boobs are happily hanging around your ankles. And who sits at home when they know a psycho is on the loose?! Any sane person would be camping out in a police station or at least organising a neighbourhood watch meeting.
Hollywood kisses are always fun. Especially when you’re running along the platform of a train and you grab your honey just before they board, spin them around and romance the fuck outta their lips. Doesn’t happen… soz. You are only obstructing other commuters who could not give a damn about your public displays of being a dickhead. So move it or lose it!
In movies some guys and gals feel the need to be selfless in order to save others. This shit never happens in real life. All I’m saying is that if I was Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic, I would’ve told Miss selfish Winslet to shuffle up and share the damn floating door! Where did being a gentleman get poor Leo… DEAD that’s where! Good call Leo… good call. Idiot.