Job Interviews


Since days of olde, most of us were taught how to write a Curriculum Vitae… and the rest of us Forest Gumped it. Your CV which for those among us who are dumb as feck, is a fabulous document filled to the brim of straight up lies to be sent to speculative job vacancies in order to clinch an interview. Now once you have buffed up your CV with countless myths and folklore of exactly how many GCSE’s you have attained and highlighting your 10 metre swimming certificate as a life achievement for you, you may be lucky to be called in for an interview... And what commences from here on out is pure and utter panic.

The type of panic I can only imagine can be compared to a plane going down. *MASSIVE sweeping statement based on nothing* We all watch the smiley excessively tanned air stewards demonstrate the safety features pointing to the nearest exits… and we all pretend to listen as we eye up the duty free goods in the magazines whilst salivating over our E Coli microwaved meals to come. However if shit went down on plane we all would be fucked. Plain and simple. And why… because we couldn’t be arsed to listen and instead of forming orderly queues as we plummeted to our deaths, there would just be blind panic. I would grab the wrong oxygen mask, use small children as an additional floating aid whilst trying to update my Facebook status on the hilarity of it all. And I’m pretty sure that tiny whistle to attract attention will do jack shit when you’re being eaten by a shark.

BUT I digress…

I have been in many interviews and have successfully screwed up nearly all of them. There are only so many times you can use the phrase ‘I work well in team but also on my own’ before you get caught out as a fraud! I have sat across a table of interviewers (was it really necessary to have 5 people including the CEO of the company scrutinise me all at once?!) and spell out loud my own name… INCORRECTLY!! I have also answered questions like “what’s your greatest asset?” with “oh that’s easy… my hair!” Because I clearly mistook the seriousness of the job for an audition as a dickhead T4 TV presenter!

Now my ability to fail miserably at interviews in the past wasn’t necessarily because I didn’t prep, it’s mainly because I become a “Panicky Patricia” and said the wrong things. Nerves can get the better of you and no matter how confident one may be… you can still be reduced to a sweaty mess entangled in your own goals and achievements.

With job interviews you either sink or you swim, but mostly you shit your pants and panic. I have had my fair shares of epic fails when it comes to interviews and my only advice would be this… blag it honey! It’s all about bigging yourself up and role playing your ass off. Yeah of course you can do your homework on the company and try to cram in ‘Excel for Dummies’ as bedtime reading the night before BUT you effectively have to ‘fake it til you make it!’ And if by God’s good grace and your Derren Brown style mind tricks you are lucky to bag the job and still haven’t a fucking clue… Wikipedia and Google are your friends!

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