The only two pre-requisites needed to be a bouncer on the door of a nightclub is to 1) Be an asshole and b) Stand near a door. The rest of the job spec you can probably make up as you turn away fine citizens of the community in favour for actual tossers. I do have to insert a disclaimer here for fear my friends who are actually bouncers may beat me up for slagging their profession. This post is about all the other shite bouncers who work my last nerve… you guys are lovely… really. I promise.

HOWEVER… the majority of door folk I have had the amazing honour to come across in my years of underage drinking to this very day… are dickheads. Just because you have a hi-vis armband on and stand oh so intimidatingly by the entrance to a bar or club, does NOT mean you’re a fecking police officer! I remember being told off by a security guard in McDonalds late one night for eating my chips within the fast food establishment!! Apparently by eating my chips I just purchased to try and sober myself up, was a crime and requested the assistance of one fugly doorman to eject me from the premises. Because that’s reasonable right?! You’re a security guard… in McDonalds… get a grip! Oh and FYI… a Bluetooth earpiece doesn’t make you an Mi5 secret agent. Prick.

The thing that pisses me off is that these hooligans disguised as ‘security’ are the makers and breakers of a good night out. If they don’t like the look of you then you ain’t getting in. Simple. Even the promoters of the night who hover around the door hate me! I have been looked up and down before they say ‘sorry guest list only’ when I know my non guest list mates are already in there having a wicked time without me. Granted the door staff person was some twinky drag queen who figured there was only enough fabulousity and glitter for one… and his diamante head piece filled that quota… but it still pissed me off. It’s like the door police trip off their own hype and become enforcers of ‘no fun.’

Bouncer: Excuse me but can you please stand perfectly still so I can suck ALL the fun out of your night.

Innocent partygoer: But I’m just trying to have a good time!

Bouncer: Sorry not tonight guys.

And why is it that female bouncers absolutely HATE other females?! We’re supposed to be supporting our own… There was even some bra burning event that had something to do with it all (!) But no… women like to make other women’s nights out crap by refusing to be just a teeny bit nice on the door. Like I dare you to smile… just a little one! No? Oh ok ok… go ahead and frisk me and rifle through my house keys and tampons laid oh so carelessly at the bottom of my bag.

When glorious door people search you they can also make up ridiculous reasons to confiscate items. I was once stopped because I had a plastic afro comb in my pocket. Like what the hell was I gonna do with it?! Comb somebody to death?!! I obviously questioned the young man about the need to take my property but of course this was a battle lost, because they are allowed to assert their authority but question it… and you’re all of a sudden the rude bitch. Granted my actions after this incident were nothing to be proud of as I’m pretty sure the words “this never happens to me in London!” left my mouth. Sure Shem, because your attempt at getting into the club has just been made that much easier by acting like a pretentious tosser. Now go forth and dance!

I get it’s your job and no doubt you bouncers have absolute muppets to contend with each night, but there’s no need for the shouting and hostility. Listen we’ve all had a little bit to drink… so let’s all just get along. But totes soz for my rohypnoled friend who has just passed out in the toilets with puke in her hair.

My 16 Year Old Self

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