My 16 Year Old Self


Recently I came across some old school pics and sweet mother of God, my friends and I looked like whores. And not even good ones. It was regulation for 16 year old girls to do the following: roll up your skirt so you have a massive wedge of gathered material at the very top which is disguised under your shirt, your shoes were Kickers or those platform shoes with the standard block of heel at the back, your shirt was tight and unbuttoned so as my bestie recently and eloquently put “to show off your teenage cleavage”, and your tie was either super skinny with threads pulled out or ludicrously short and fat. My secondary school was fairly strict with uniform but on the last day of year 11 we all wrote on each other’s shirts… of which I was promptly sent to the headmaster’s office and had to stand there with ‘Shem’s tits are massive’ scrawled across the front of my shirt and black nipples ‘hilariously’ drawn on by the lads. Needless to say I spent the rest of the day in my PE t-shirt due to being asked to remove my offensive blouse.

But I digress…

Seeing these photos of myself made me feel an overwhelming sense of nostalgia as I thought the same generic thoughts we all do when we think of school… “Damn I was so young… oh my God life was so easy… check out my banging teenage body before alcohol and fried chicken ruined my life… and if only I knew then what I know now.” And so I began thinking. If I had a time machine I would firstly go forward in time, get the 6 lotto numbers… come back and be a mother sucking millionaire yo! Because let’s face it… money doesn’t buy us happiness… but being poor doesn’t buy you shit either! AND THEN after my success at being fabulous, I would go back and have a chat with my 16 year old self and tell me…stuff.

Shit I Would Tell My 16yr Old Self…

Stop dressing like a retard! “Oohh those turtleneck jumpers look amazing!" Said no one ever.

Stop kissing boys to cover up your blatantly obvious sexual preference. It is not phase.

Perving on girls is totes fine.

Perving on your best mates is not, so cut it out!

Don’t sack off playing sports because you are actually quite good and your ever expanding ass will need all the help it can get when you’re older.

Invent this ‘thing’ called Facebook. I'll tell you all about it. It’s wicked and you can retire at 20.

You will fall in love. It’s brilliant!

You will have your heart broken and it sucks. But alas you live to tell the tale.

You will always be loud and a bit of a dickhead. Fuck it. You can’t please everyone and those who matter in your life will love you regardless of your annoying as hell flaws.

Don’t eat all the double cheeseburgers in the first year of uni… you will get insanely fat.

Be patient with your family.

Don’t apologise to your English teacher Mrs Anstey when you make her cry. She deserves it.

Start saving for your travel adventures now… as there is only so many times you can go to the bank for a loan for that fictitious ‘car’ and those all important ‘home renovations’.

Stop trying so hard to fit in. It will all make sense soon enough and you will discover that being like everyone else is not as fun as you once imagined.

Oh… and blue eye shadow looks crap on you.


No Blacks. No Dogs. No Irish.